Too much trash in the sea

So for the past few months I have approached dating with a level of seriousness which has slowly faded to weariness. After 5 months of trying to date, I have lost hope of finding someone online.

I am telling you online dating is the pits. I end up going on dates only for them to end at date one. I don’t mind because most of the time, we don’t have chemistry or that level of interest, but I feel like I am not filtering these guys properly. They all want to meet before much conversation has taken place and off course I am reluctant to because we haven’t texted much. So I have decided to set up a few rules. First date rules: coffee/drinks only max 2 hours. Second date: Meal or activity. But then isn’t it difficult when you start limiting yourself?

I feel like all some men want is just sex and others disguise it saying they want more, but then it turns out all they want is sex. I am battling with why it is so hard to find someone when I live in a city filled with over 8 million people. Surely you’d think I’d have a high possibility of meeting someone in this city? Nope, seems not.

If Japan doesn’t cut it, and the UK doesn’t cut it? I’m not quite sure where I am going to be picking up my men from.

Any successful dating apps my friends have used, I have tried and failed to find the same success. You name it – Tinder, Bumble, Dilmill – I am at the point of despairing. Maybe I need to give up? It’s only my love life that I never have any luck with…

The grass is always greener on the other side

So as you know from my last post, I recently left my old job and after the consequences finally sunk in and I was devastated and fell into a kind of deep regretfulness. When I spoke to my best friend, she said something which didn’t strike me until now.

The grass is always greener on the other side but it doesn’t actually mean that it is necessarily better.

She’s right. It’s like admiring something from a shop window and wishing you had the money to buy it, day by day you watch it entranced, the want becoming more like a need. The tension builds up for months on end until one day you have the means to buy it for yourself. Now that you’ve got it, you realise that it wasn’t actually that important; you no longer want it after a while because we always forget and move on. Because in the end you will forget, you misplace something and you forget and move on. You might be reminded of it sometimes, you might visit the item again, but ultimately it doesn’t matter so much in the grand scheme of things. This is exactly the same feeling, day by day I feel the control and hurt lessen. It’s been more than a month since I left and I can honestly say I don’t regret my decision anymore, not for one second. Why? My life has changed, my eyes have been opened. I’ve met so many different people – if I didn’t leave I wouldn’t have met some lovely and genuinely nice people. I wouldn’t have challenged myself – I would have been stuck in a rut constantly unhappy and constantly moaning to the ones I love. If I hadn’t left I wouldn’t have been challenged socially – I would have stayed insecure and scared. But part of my job requires the confidence to know what you are doing since you are in control and if you screw up, you’re directly responsible and you have a lot of people to answer to.

The company has opened so many doors for me and already within the month I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve learnt so much and I genuinely do believe I am working for a fantastic company and I’m actually very lucky I was hired. The interview was a complete fluke and they must have been desperate since I was supposed to go for a second interview, but they just offered the job immediately after I hesitated. Wow the power is always in your hands whether you realise it or not and I didn’t realise it at the time. We make our own decisions. I met up with my friend from the old company and he was telling me about how they were being sent to Venice for a conference for 2 days, they were having parties thrown, 2 bonuses etc. he went on about all the amazing new things happening and it sounded wonderful – I’m not that high up on my horse that I couldn’t see it and disregard it all. But at the same time, I felt nothing and that was when I realised that I was over it. When I went to meet him at the company I felt nothing. In fact my first thought was “Oh gosh it’s tiny compared to my new office.” It felt small and slightly suffocating and that was when I just knew I am okay – I am over it. I was so unhappy in my last job, I had forgotten how miserable I was, how unchallenged and bored I was. All those feelings went out the window when I lost it all, when I felt ‘cheated’ and now I remember all the bad times as well as the good. The grass looks greener, but in fact it’s not. I just built it up in my mind and refused to move on. But I have now and I feel free.

I feel happier in all aspects and now it’s just time to wait. I don’t know what the future holds, but I won’t give up and I will try not to lose sight. I am questioning whether I actually want to work in Marketing anymore. The thing is I get bored easily and I don’t know, I just feel like it’s not really for me. I don’t know what exactly is for me but working in this job makes you realise things you like and things you don’t like. You might have a lot of regrets, you might wish you took a chance, but never fear because another different chance will always appear. In life, I think about all the chances I let go, but there are also all the chances I grabbed. If you want something grab it, if you don’t know, don’t worry because there are so many opportunities its overwhelming. All I know right now is that I like helping people. I would like to do some volunteering work one day, I would like to travel, I would like to try my hand at different jobs. This corporate role right now is just a means to an end to achieve those goals and I will try not to get stuck in it. I don’t think it will happen. You never know though, but this I am sure about. My self-esteem is not great, my confidence and belief in myself is also weak, but day by day I am learning to accept myself. I am learning more of what I like, what I’m comfortable with – I like gossip I am human, but I don’t like when it turns vulgar and becomes cruel. I am learning what I should do and how I should act in the future – don’t let people push you into things, don’t let people bully you – sometimes it’s good to be pushed because I was quite literally pushed into this job by my agency which I resented them for and still begrudgingly still do, but don’t let people push you unless they force your hand, just remember it is always your choice and you have to live with the consequences, not them – YOU.

Everything has a way of circling on itself and working out for the best. Funny enough I met a colleague in my department who applied for a job at my previous company and turns out it was the same job I had applied for one and a half years ago. I got it and she didn’t. I got the chance and she got another opportunity at a different company before joining this current company 6 months ago. It’s funny how life works!

A dream is not always better than reality. The other side might look perfect after you’ve left, but take off those rose-tinted glasses and you’ll see the truth. Reality hits hard. Not everything is as great as is perceived. Perception can be deceptive just as my Philosophy lectures taught me 3 years ago.

I’m going to blame you since it’s easier and I’m quite fond of my well-being…..

It’s surprising how one can live in the world and not be affected by anything that happens around, especially when one is an idealist with little awareness of the world around. Is this right? Is that person living in ignorance? I have to admit that this is wrong and we shouldn’t be living in ignorance, but I can understand why we would want to hide and not hear all the depressing news. To be unaware would mean not knowing the crimes, pain and evil that goes on in the world around us and it also serves as a safety barrier and a protection against most things cruel. It’s not that I don’t want to know, it’s just that I am not so political I need to know. Now that is a lame excuse! But what I mean is that I like living in my happy go lucky world where everything works out. Truth be told it doesn’t satisfy me completely because I know just like a good book or film that it doesn’t end there as a happy ever after. Now in fact the real story begins filled with troubles, good times, low times etc.  I find it difficult to cope in the real world fully which is why imagination serves me so well. I basically live two lives, one where I am half in the real world pretending to listen to the lectures, meetings and discussions all around me but wearing an intelligent looking mask and nodding occasionally which disguises my true intentions, letting myself drift into the world of the imaginary where anything is possible. A place to escape from this dull and boring life. A beautiful world where every scenario or dream I want can become my new reality and is orchestrated the way I want it to go. There can be an infinite number of ways a scene can be played out and if I don’t like a certain one, I can change it. Simple! Problem with this? I don’t actually end up living much of my life! 

So when we are forced to face reality and bought back by certain events, we wake up and realise the truth. I am hiding from the world and it is so much easier to blame someone else, especially the person who makes you aware of your own condition, but I suppose it helps a bit. So I’ll get away with shifting the blame onto them. When someone makes you feel small and stupid it’s always nice to take it out on them rather than yourself because in the long run it’s going to affect you if you blame yourself. It’s going to damage self-confidence and self-esteem far more than we think and we shouldn’t really. Other people give us far more than we give ourselves credit for and sometimes its wrong when we depend on others to support us. I am not saying that we should shrug off what that person says, take it into account by all means, but don’t take it personally, All you need to do is just learn more and try to be more open which is what I’m taking from this. So when my colleague made me feel this small about not knowing which case was being held at the Old Bailey today, I didn’t feel too bad when I imagined walking past him and having the desire to tip the contents of my scalding hot mug onto his smug self-satisfied balls.  The reason I am feeling so vicious today and in such a foul mood is because of a series of events which made my morning quite eventful so I’ll divulge the story.

The patronising so and so put me down when I came in late this morning. To explain myself I told my team about the police vans and the waiting around and when I asked I wonder which case it could be he said “Do you not read the papers at all? It’s been brandished in the papers for weeks. Where on earth have you been?” The reply in my head was “Well I’m sorry its 9:20 in the morning I’m tired really, woke up felt sick couldn’t eat breakfast, ran for my train only to realise it was cancelled, thus missing my connecting train resulting in a major shitty journey trying to get into work; forced to share the tube with some selfish idiots refusing to move down the carriage. During the God awful squashed journey some bastard released a major stink bomb polluting the air with its repellent fumes. Got out and everyone was moving so bloody slowly, finally got to the street and was prevented from going any further because of the police blocking our way to let criminals in a massive van be led to court. Now not having worked near the criminal courts before, I experienced this temporary lapse of panic and rush to get to work as my interest was diverted as to who was in the van and what’s happening. Gosh and it’s not even lunchtime yet. So excuse me you stupid ass if I haven’t read the paper this morning or week and do not know who is arriving at court this tender fresh morning.” If I was more comfortable with people and more daring I would stick my finger to him, see how he likes that. However, since I work in a professional corporate and polite environment, off course that would be inexcusable, especially to the Head of Business Development. Oh well at least this is why we have private thoughts and the lovely imagination to entertain our wild and fanciful ideas. Though not all ideas are good, some wicked; we are after all only human with free will so thinking something doesn’t necessarily mean we want to act on them, at least not always. Say I wanted to murder half the people on the tube, doesn’t mean a) I would do it b) I would want to do it in reality.

I agree though this is mainly a rant about him as he seems to get on a nerves a lot, especially recently. I’m normally a very tolerant person, but he is making it more and more difficult to be even polite to him. He’s rude, obnoxious, arrogant, awkward and up his proverbial ass but also extremely intelligent and clued up (yes I am a little jealous of that). Still doesn’t make him any less of a douche and somehow since the first day he met me, he seemed to have an intense dislike for me. It was instant and I recognised immediately his brash and resistant mannerisms which ultimately told me he rejected me from the team. At first, I thought it was probably because he didn’t think I was smart enough or good enough for the role, but now I don’t really care. I thought relations might be improving but I was clearly living in that imaginary world again, mistaking fiction for reality. Another colleague who is also new gets on very well with him, but she is quite stiff, very firm and intelligent, but very nice too with a dry sense of humour. I think they get on well famously because of that sense of humour and also they seem to be on the same wavelength. At least she is nice and although she was a bit reserved with me at first, was still very nice and civil. He however seemed to attack me with a few hostile questions and an intense “I hate you” glare; so much for the warm welcome on the first day.

When I met another colleague from Glasgow and Leeds however, they assured me that he was always like that. Didn’t really talk much to them and sort of looked down his nose at people so I was not to take it personally. However it is rather difficult when you are working with someone so brash and impatient, I’m glad I don’t have to work directly with him very much. If only people were simple, things would be easier.

So eventful angry start to the day and it certainly isn’t beginning to look a lot like Christmas Johnny Mathis or Bing Crosby!

Meeting new people, finding friends, and feeling lonely in a big city

Today I realised that I have very few friends who I talk to regularly who want to do the same things as me. I’m not talking about eating food, I’m talking about wanting to travel, go to concerts and just generally hang out and do things together. My best friend is living in Nottingham, and although we share many interests, books, food, films, tv shows we also differ hugely. I like to dance, cook, travel and do adventurous and dangerous activities including sky diving. I work in London and a good friend I recently made decided to move back to Sweden and friends I went on holiday with have less contact with me since our holiday. I would say that’s more to do with differences rather than anything else. It’s tricky going on holiday with people because you live with them for a number of days and if you’re like me who wants to go explore, make the most of the holiday then you certainly won’t find me lounging about the hotel, like my friends. I find it very hard to find a connection with people nowadays. I have little in common but I am unsure why that is the case. Do you know what I mean when I speak of that instant connection? It’s this really great feeling which I’ve only experienced a few times in my life where you are just completely on par with the person you’ve just met. Perhaps it is because I am too serious and think too much which portrays me as intense? Not sure but I don’t like to analyse too much. Or maybe it is because I am shy and am not making the most of the opportunities. I really don’t know. There’s a lot I want to do but I find that I end up doing most things by myself. I want to go to a gig, I end up going by myself. I want to go travelling, I end up having to plan things and find countries to go to by myself. I want to go climbing I go by myself. I want to go for yoga/pilates classes, I join up by myself. There’s nothing wrong with this and its pretty great having that independence, I mean I’ve even eaten alone in a restaurant and gone to the cinema alone. In my life I have constantly done things by myself and its getting a bit lonely now. I can’t find anyone to have fun and do things with. I’m not talking about a boyfriend, I’m talking about friends, having a good time, meeting people and doing things together. I guess you have to be like minded but I find it hard to find those like minded people. Most of my friends are happy to either go clubbing, stay at home and watch films, go to restaurants or even cocktails which don’t get me wrong is fun, but I would love to join a dance club or something and do something fun or a bit more adventurous. Perhaps I will, perhaps I should just stop waiting for people which to be honest I have given up on people. I really need to get a grip on life, I have so many dreams that involve travelling the world, learning different languages and just being content, but it is difficult to be content in this life. We are constantly striving for more.

I haven’t the faintest idea where to start. I don’t know where to go and who to turn to because there is no one out there only the big wide world web. There’s so many options but I don’t know if there is a small intimate friendly class for dancing or painting. I don’t know how good it is. It’s all a risk but its something I wonder about. I am at the edge of the precipice just waiting to jump but unsure how to proceed, whether there will be someone at the bottom to catch me. Waiting and wondering but I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep living my life like this wondering how things could be. I look at my own dear brother and how he manages to find and make some of the loveliest and great friends who want to spend time with him and do things together, to try things and who trust his judgement. We are different people and he is very witty, funny and laid back. I am more serious, deep in thought, like debating, laughing but I get stressed and worried easily. We are very different but similar as we both enjoy travelling and finding new adventures. You can see how we would attract different people, normally like minded people. He attracts jovial fun happy people and I attract serious, sometimes sad but mostly strong willed and principled individuals. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for my lovely friends for they are lovely in a different way. They are very caring and kind but I just want more and perhaps this is my problem; I expect too much from people and I always have. But I need more friends who will do things with me and who will trust my judgement and is open to trying things. Sometimes things will not work out the way you want and some things I choose may be crap but its a risk I’m willing to make, but I can’t keep hanging on to friends who are poor and aren’t prepared to take that risk because of the outcome may result in regret. Life is an experience and I don’t know everything if that person will enjoy it or not but it is something we can do together or as a group! This is life and nothing is ever free but if you want to have fun you do need money sometimes. Not a lot, but some. I wanted to go to Imagine Dragon’s gig but when I asked all my friends they were either working, too tired or too poor to go. When I wanted to see Evanescence no one wanted to go so I had to drag my poor brother to come with me. It was one of the best nights of my life and some friends after said how they love Evanescence and their music but when I asked if they wanted to go, there was silence.

It’s so easy to say go out and meet people, but where can I meet them in such a big city like London? There’s a lot of people but they are in their own zones, are quite cold and look at you if you’re strange if you start talking to them. No literally they will turn and look to see if you’re talking to the person behind them. I need to join a club or class but where? Thousands of people swarm across London and I can’t seem to make friends. It’s crazy! Introverted I may be but ambitious and a dreamer I always will be. If you stop and talk you will get to know someone better, but it’s not hard. Actually it is quite hard because firstly you need the courage to start that conversation. We pick and choose our friends. We pick and choose people we want to talk to and we put them into different levels. Friend level, acquaintance level, “not going to chat to person” level because person looks boring, can’t be bothered level, too intense level, etc. But the level you categorise someone may not always be correct and you may be missing out on a chance of friendship.

Anyway my point is finding people to connect with is difficult. Finding activities in London is also quite tough! Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough but I will try! Hopefully I’ll find some things….no I’m sure I will!

Learning to drive

So today I had my driving test (first time) and I failed! 😦 I was sad but I didn’t cry, I knew I failed! I won’t go into details because to be honest it is pretty depressing. No one likes to fail, but sometimes in life it happens. Not every can always be a winner, despite some people claiming never to lose (I don’t believe it- its all lies!) They say that good drivers pass second time round, but I have to admit it was a blow to my ego! Learning to drive is actually a very difficult task! I love driving, though people seem to forget that they once were a learner driver. They were in my shoes, and although it may have been easier years ago because you didn’t have to do independent driving and remember all these questions and just generally do more. But everyone whether it was years ago or recently was a learner once in there life! I learn to drive in London which is tricky because it is ALWAYS busy! Never is there a boring moment- whether it is a child/pedestrian running across the road, a crazy driver trying to squeeze through a tight space or take your right of way or even one who overtakes you when you stop at a zebra crossing. Driving is full of chaos, challenges and sometimes problems. But life too is full of twists and turns! Though some people I swear have death wishes!! They just cross expecting a car to stop. I am not blaming pedestrians only! Car drivers too must be weary, but it is not always their fault! Some drivers too have death wishes in which a collision may occur anytime with the amount of speeding I’ve seen as a pedestrian! They zoom past thinking they look cool. No you look like a crazy idiot!!! SLOW DOWN!

Anyway I kind of wish I could redo this day. If I could I would go back in time and correct my mistakes! I would do things differently and perhaps life would turn out differently. How much of a change would it have made to my future? Well for one thing I wouldn’t have to splash out of an extra £200 on lessons, hiring instructors car and redoing the test (£62) wow everything is expensive nowadays! But since when did driving become less of a skill? The government are increasing prices for people to take tests, to encourage them to take public transport, but driving is a skill. And frankly the public transport in London is pretty crap! I’m sorry but how many times have I heard “The train is cancelled due to a signal failure.” Or “I am sorry the train is cancelled/delayed due to a broken down train at ……station.” How does one broken down train affect all journeys???? I don’t care how- I want it fixed asap so I can travel and get to where I want! “We are sorry for the delay to your journey” yes clearly- that is the most annoying because you know its not true and the monotonous voice it is delivered in really makes you want to hit someone. Not only that its repetitiveness really grates on me because they really aren’t sorry and they’re not in my shoes, I have places to be. But really? Come on you can’t keep up these problems for the Olympics! If this was Japan, they would have apologised profusely if the train was delayed by 1 or 2 minutes!

Anyway I detoured! Back to the topic, learning to drive people don’t realise that it is difficult, so if you are one of those drivers who are in a rush and like to overtake a learner driver, that’s fine (as long as it is done safely) but don’t come right up my car’s bottom because my instructor sure won’t appreciate that and she’ll only make me go slower to piss you off! 😉 hehe I have a funny instructor! She does not take any crap! Pretty funny but people can be rude- I am learner yes give me time- I make mistakes I am not perfect. But everyone makes mistakes even non-learner drivers. I am learning and like little children I fall down. Don’t crush me so I can’t pick myself up- be considerate and patient. I know we all live busy lives, but one or two minutes won’t kill you. Most adults don’t bully children who are learning so don’t bully learner drivers! It is hard and I try to be optimistic, but I know that it won’t be a while till I take my driving test again as I am going exploring for some time and I won’t be back so soon. I just hope I don’t forget and lose the progress that I’ve made in the past couple of weeks. Maybe it was for the best- I’ll never know (Though no one thinks it is for the best!) Who knows what the future holds! (I sure hope I don’t have to take it more than 2 times!) It is very scary, nerve-wracking and tough! Everyone before was saying how ohh 40 minutes is not that long at all! It is fine and goes quickly. Well today I added an extra 10 minutes because I stupidly went the wrong way so I ended up doing 2 extra roundabouts and my exam lasted more than 1 hour!  I was wondering why on earth it felt soo long! I hope next time will go better! I just wish everything was not so expensive and I really wished I was one of the lucky people who passed first time! My examiner was very nice too, such a shame and a waste I made one bad decision! That’s all it takes one bad decision and it could cost you a life, a big F or destruction. (Don’t worry I did not kill/injure anyone!) I just failed!

Anyway just wanted to share my sad news. No not blaming anyone for my failure- that was all my fault. But I am asking people to please please be more considerate to learners, because it is tough! And you were in my shoes once!!!