So it has been some time writing down my thoughts but sometimes I feel like it wouldn’t be right to say what I think. Some things are just best left inside right? Lately I’ve been feeling a little blue- well when do I ever not feel blue! I seem to go through periods of happiness, sadness, reflection and boredom. I get bored very easily with my life. But some good news to share is that I finally found a job which I have been in for 2 months but it is a temporary contract so its been extended till end of May which is great. The job itself is interesting and the work is varied though I must admit I don’t really like the prospect of staring at a computer 5 days a week constantly form 9am-5:30pm! Its just boring and it makes me lazy. I want my work to be varied in the sense I want to move around, do things not just sitting down but be active too. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for this job especially to be at a good medium sized corporate company. I get some free lunches, treats sometimes and the people are nice enough, the work is varied so what more can I ask for in a job? Well one very important thing I’ve come to realise as a priority is communication. I want more communication with people. People are fascinating and have so many stories to share. So many lives- so many experiences and most people have substance. I like talking to people – I like making friends, but somehow no one wants to talk- no one wants to share. I find it very hard to break down barriers and walls people build. Whatever happened to those lovely people you can strike up a conversation with on the train/bus? Where did all those wonderful people go? When you bump into the most unlikely people who just lift your spirits. Those who are passionate about life and try and infuse that passion within others. I met a guy in a shop once who asked me why I look so sad? I should be happy I have friends, family and life. I smiled and he lifted up my spirits. But I don’t meet those fantastic and amazing people who can touch your lives with just a few words. You never forget the people who strike up a conversation with you. They may be pushed to the back of your minds but their memory never fades- well for me at least!
Anyway as I was saying people at work hold you at a distance. No one wants to get to know you and there is that distance. When I first arrived a few came up to me and said “oh if you need anything then I sit here” but why offer something when they don’t mean it. They don’t expect you to actually come up and say hi. What happened to making people feel at home? Inclusivity! The other day half the office went to the pub but what about inviting the rest? Not even the poor guy sitting next to them was invited. You take what you get from a place and I know what I’ll certainly be taking is experience. But I certainly won’t be taking friends. People aren’t as friendly there and I think its a great learning curb for me to know and understand what’s important in a job. Maybe a corporate environment is just not for me. I want to go out after work with the office crowd to the pub! I want to get to know others who I work with. So what to do? Wait to be invited right? No I am not waiting for anyone. I already have some amazing friends. All I’ll do is continue being me and I’ll move forward with or without making new friends.
I hope I will find myself one day. I already know who I am but what I mean is that I hope I will find the right job for me- one that I will enjoy with all my heart. Here’s to the hopeful future! And here’s to all those amazing strangers who have such a positive impact on others. I hope they continue to still do that for that presence is strong indeed. They are beautiful strangers and most of their hearts are made of gold.
Right well when I get hooked on something I get obsessed! I lead a very unhealthy life with unhealthy obsessions but I can’t seem to help it! They seem to take me away from my silly boring life and they let me escape! They transport me to a happy world where I can live in the world of the characters and pretend that what is happening to them is happening to me! I read shoujo manga because it makes me happy but also because I like romance! One day I hope to have a powerful and strong romance that will last like it does in so many of the stories and mangas I have read.
I have to admit that at first I always wished that mangas would be in colour because they look better. But now I am used to the black and white and actually I like in black and white! The characters in the manga also are ones that I fall in love with! I swear I actually have crushes on non existent manga characters which is funny because I am in love with these drawings of the guys! Call me weird but it cannot be helped, it can only be confessed! They just look so attractive some of them and I love the way they are drawn. Usually manags make me feel all happy and fuzzy inside! But when they end they make me depressed and dissatisfied with life and people. Not sure why and don’t think it should make me feel like that but I suppose it is because I don’t really have much of a life so I take refuge in these stories and connect with the characters and fall in love with the mean but nice guy. It seems that like reality no one wants a mean guy, but girls always go for the bad guy because they are interesting and we want to know what makes them act the way they do. They have a certain allure and mysteriousness. Whereas nice guys are soo sweet and lovely but somehow are boring. (Well not all nice guys) But somehow I want a nice guy but who is also not too nice that I could easily dominate him. I suppose what I am saying is you want that balance and not one single person being domineering in the relationship. Anyway what am I saying? These are only characters after all!
Anyway the main point of this post is that yesterday I finished reading a manga “Stepping on Roses” and it is the first manga that really made me feel sad that it was over. The other mangas that I have read previously have been very long and some have not even ended yet so I’ve not had the chance to have the feeling, but those that have been short and ended have left me content. This particular manga though was just so powerful in its own way and left an impact on me which I somehow can’t describe how or why it left an impact. Maybe it is because recently I have been feeling pretty crap and unsatisfied with my life that I am left unsatisfied with the ending of the story. Don’t get me wrong I liked the ending and I liked the story very much, the problem is I just didn’t want it to end. In fact it ended too soon! Although there is no point dragging some stories on, this one I just could get lost in.
If it continued on forever it would become boring because it needs to be exceptional to hold my attention for a long time, though normally this does not usually last. Its really hard to explain but all I can say is I don’t like this empty feeling that I have been left with. Usually I get it with animes, but this time it is a manga that has left me feeling sad! I want to know more- I want to read more but it is over so how can I? I really need to get a proper life! But I can’t stop reading and I can’t stop falling into these traps! Maybe one day things will be different? Only one can hope! But for now I will just have to find another manga to satisfy my manga/anime needs and so forth continue with the endless vicious circle. Anyone recommendations for a romantic shoujo? I am in need of something new!
Today I am feeling optimistic despite this horrible weather and sad atmosphere! I have been moping around the house recently I will admit and it never helps! Right now I am listening to a beautiful song that I heard many years ago which has inspired me and helped me up when I was down “What have you done today to make you feel proud” by Heather Small. It is a great song and expresses exactly how I feel and how I look at life. But this is something everyone should be thinking about. Everyone has potential- that is potential to do good or do bad, the potential to work hard or be lazy. All you have to do is try and okay you may not always get what you want, you may get rejected but some of the best people in life always try. Everyone fails at something and that is how you build yourself up. I am trying to find a job right now and it is tough and I have not been having any luck but it doesn’t matter. I will continue trying till I succeed. I will continue because I know I can do well. I believe in myself.
I have a friend and she knows exactly what she wants to do in life. She wants to be a doctor and I kind of envy her because she knows what she wants and she found her dream career whereas I have no idea what I want to have a career in. However she keeps seeing things blocking her path. I suggest ideas and she keeps putting them down and to be honest she is not being realistic because okay I understand there are difficulties getting into medicine, but it all depends on how bad you want it and what kind of person you are. She is extremely smart and I know she can do well- she can get a First Class Honours Degree, she can draw, make things and is very smart but she is also very pessimistic and foolish in some ways. I am not that intelligent I am smart in other ways but I do try and put all my effort into things. Something inside so strong I know that I can make it. I wanted a First Class Degree but I got a 2:1 and that is still good! I am extremely happy and proud of myself even though I didn’t reach the First I tried and worked my hardest. I wanted a life social life and other experiences and sometimes things take sacrifice. My friend keep saying that it costs a lot of money and she doesn’t know if she can afford living out even if she goes to Scotland where university is free. She doesn’t know if she is entitled to this free education because she comes from the UK. But these things require research and right now she is just shooting them down and making excuses based on things she has no idea about. Education could very well be free for her too and she may never know or realise because she didn’t bother to look just because it might not be. I am tired of the excuses and call me an optimist, a fool or an unrealistic person living in la la land- I don’t care what you call me. I don’t care what you say because at least I have faith and I believe. Question is do you believe in you? I sure hope you do because it is very important. I have faith in people even those who are bad because you can turn your life around.
I want people to know that yes life is hard and sometimes thing don’t always go your way but you can achieve and do your best. All you can do is hope and if it doesn’t work out at least you tried. No regrets right? You tried so what’s to regret! Keep trying till you die. Don’t ever give up on life and I know it can be easy sometimes to just throw in the towel but its not worth it. There is so much out there you can achieve. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel- you just have to be strong and wait. There is sometimes even a helping hand. Trying is the key! 🙂 Everyone has a choice and it is never too late to start making those choices, paths, decisions. Believe in the strength and most importantly in you! I hope you achieve all the things you want!
So if you have failed at something or you got a bad mark or you were rejected in love, relationships/freidnships- then my advice to you is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again! Have faith in you and your abilities and even if you feel like you don’t have any talents think about yourself and what you’re good at. Nothing is impossible because even the word impossible has possible in it!
Love the ever hopeful optimist (I have been told I live in la la land= oh well at least I like the bright side of life)