Sad at the end of a Manga….sometimes left wanting more!

Right well when I get hooked on something I get obsessed! I lead a very unhealthy life with unhealthy obsessions but I can’t seem to help it! They seem to take me away from my silly boring life and they let me escape! They transport me to a happy world where I can live in the world of the characters and pretend that what is happening to them is happening to me! I read shoujo manga because it makes me happy but also because I like romance! One day I hope to have a powerful and strong romance that will last like it does in so many of the stories and mangas I have read.

I have to admit that at first I always wished that mangas would be in colour because they look better. But now I am used to the black and white and actually I like in black and white! The characters in the manga also are ones that I fall in love with! I swear I actually have crushes on non existent manga characters which is funny because I am in love with these drawings of the guys! Call me weird but it cannot be helped, it can only be confessed! They just look so attractive some of them and I love the way they are drawn. Usually manags make me feel all happy and fuzzy inside! But when they end they make me depressed and dissatisfied with life and people. Not sure why and don’t think it should make me feel like that but I suppose it is because I don’t really have much of a life so I take refuge in these stories and connect with the characters and fall in love with the mean but nice guy. It seems that like reality no one wants a mean guy, but girls always go for the bad guy because they are interesting and we want to know what makes them act the way they do. They have a certain allure and mysteriousness. Whereas nice guys are soo sweet and lovely but somehow are boring. (Well not all nice guys) But somehow I want a nice guy but who is also not too nice that I could easily dominate him. I suppose what I am saying is you want that balance and not one single person being domineering in the relationship. Anyway what am I saying? These are only characters after all!

Anyway the main point of this post is that yesterday I finished reading a manga “Stepping on Roses” and it is the first manga that really made me feel sad that it was over. The other mangas that I have read previously have been very long and some have not even ended yet so I’ve not had the chance to have the feeling, but those that have been short and ended have left me content. This particular manga though was just so powerful in its own way and left an impact on me which I somehow can’t describe how or why it left an impact. Maybe it is because recently I have been feeling pretty crap and unsatisfied with my life that I am left unsatisfied with the ending of the story. Don’t get me wrong I liked the ending and I liked the story very much, the problem is I just didn’t want it to end. In fact it ended too soon! Although there is no point dragging some stories on, this one I just could get lost in. 

If it continued on forever it would become boring because it needs to be exceptional to hold my attention for a long time, though normally this does not usually last. Its really hard to explain but all I can say is I don’t like this empty feeling that I have been left with. Usually I get it with animes, but this time it is a manga that has left me feeling sad! I want to know more- I want to read more but it is over so how can I? I really need to get a proper life! But I can’t stop reading and I can’t stop falling into these traps! Maybe one day things will be different? Only one can hope! But for now I will just have to find another manga to satisfy my manga/anime needs and so forth continue with the endless vicious circle. Anyone recommendations for a romantic shoujo? I am in need of something new!

Disappointment leads to anger, then hate and finally conflict. Welcome to the story of my life.

Recently I have been very happy meeting friends, catching up with a guy I met last year, getting job interviews and visiting a friend for the weekend. But we all know that happiness does not last long and sure enough if you look closer the cracks begin to show.

People are like magnets sometimes (mostly guys I refer to!) They seem to repel and run in the opposite direction when you want to get close and then when you give up and try to move on they come back to haunt you. But I am finished and fed up of people using me. I am no ordinary girl- I am not like every other girl out there because we are all different and no one is the same. But also because I am different. I went out with this guy the other week and we spent 8 hours just chatting while the time passed by unnoticed. It was great and the conversation alight with debates and getting to know each other. It felt like a good friendship was being formed. As the week went on I thought of him and the next time I could see him again. I felt pathetic and stupid because here I was laying myself open to get hurt. In the end I did indeed get hurt. But it was a hurt that spread deeper and penetrated the superficial wound of my ego. It hurt me greatly to be stood up yesterday. Yes that is right I had a job interview yesterday and the guy offered to meet up after which delighted me. He lulled me into a false sense of security and little did I know it would be destroyed in seconds by a single thoughtless text. After the shitty interview was over, (and I quite literally mean shitty- no joke) I text him to meet and he replied that “he had a bit of a cold”. Fine but why was I not told this earlier? Why did he wait for me to text him? Why do people play games? Why did he not tell me the day before? So many questions and not one good answer can be made. My day went from shit to even shittier and it was a weird feeling because in the morning I could feel that the day was not going to end well. I just had a feeling in me- something telling me that everything was going wrong and it did all go wrong but I managed to change it after that guy replied. I had enough of moping around and taking crap. I text my friend who text earlier to meet up and asked to meet again and she said yes. (No I did not blow my friend off for a guy because technically me and this guy had this arranged since the weekend.) My beautiful friend came 15 minutes later cheering me up and taking my mind off a crap day. What started out as a disastrous day was averted when my friend came to pick the pieces up. I would have been sulking at home with a tub of ice cream and box of chocolates pitying myself and falling deeper into a sadness.  But that is what true friends do- they are there when things fall apart i.e my life not just professionally but personally too.

But that day was a lesson of many. It made me think and realise what a fool I had become. What is important in life and how much people can disappoint and hurt you. But I too disappoint and hurt others- even my friends. Saying no earlier in the day to my friend made her sad (she told me this and that she was happy when I text) and I inadvertently and unknowingly hurt her. She wanted to spend time with me when others did not. I really need to treasure the friends I have because everyone needs a friend to help them.  Because they are important and they are there no matter what. My point is where people disappoint- strangers even- others can come through for you.

This disappointment has led me to take more precautions to guard and protect my heart and who I let into my life and trust me I guard myself too much already! Don’t think I’ll meet my Prince Charming any time soon. In fact I reckon we’ll never meet except in my dreams. Anyway as I was saying this disappointment has led me to hate- especially on guys. They are so unthoughtful, so cruel sometimes even if they do not mean to be. But hating is not good. I know that but I am angry at the world, at people and most of all at myself which is I suppose what leads to hate.

I am currently reading a very good thought provoking book today The Shack and it makes me think a lot about life and people. I am conflicted because I hate people so much. I hate their actions. I hate what they do- the pain they cause. I hate that I am one of those people who cause pain. I hate my life and I hate living in this virtual world of Facebook and internet. I don’t want to be sucked in and get lost. God knows I am already lost and I am trying so hard to find my way back but I keep walking through the wrong doors. Everytime I think I am close again- I have found God- I have found my sanity back I realise it was just an illusion. I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security when the truth is I am just as lost as I was a few months ago. There are so many people I want to delete on Facebook but feel restrained not to because I will be seeing them again and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. It is nothing personal but I have realised recently that Facebook I believe for me is to have only my true friends- those who care about me. If so many people don’t care about my status why don’t they just delete me?  Life would be easier this way but by not feeling like I can delete them I am limiting myself through fear. But fear I realise is what holds us back from doing things. Why should I care? Why should I worry? Who is living my life? Me or the shadow of me? Clearly my shadow. What am I so afraid? Why am I afraid of life? of the future?

In this book The Shack (a brilliant book I recommend it) Mack is a man having a conversation with God and the injustices, evils and pains of life. In one passage God says “Do you realise that your imagination of the future which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind rarely if ever pictures me there with you?” This is very true for me- I love escaping and day dreaming about my alternate more interesting life. Instead of living I live in these happy fantasies. Why? because I am so unhappy with my life! What life cannot provide for me- a stable living situation I provide in my happy imagination. The imagination is a powerful thing indeed and you could create anything you want. Another passage when Mack asks God why he does that God says “It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can’t. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God imagining the evil that you fear becoming a reality and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.” So basically I can be God in my imagination and create whatever scenario I want and it makes me happy to have this control over my life which I do not have in reality. It’s a sad realisation but it is a very true one. I will admit I would happily leave this life to maintain and live in my imagination because I believe that anything is better than the world we live in- the cruel harsh world that spits you out and crushes you till you’re stuck in a large fat hole.

Fear is only in our minds but it is taking over all the time. I want to write more about this book but perhaps in another post. Today I guess is a day for discovering more about the real. Why we parade around masking our true intentions- hiding from ourselves and the truth. I hope I can find God soon again because I really need God. I need help and I need to escape this current conflict. I need to sort my life out but it is not as easy as it sounds. No ones life is simple. Everyone’s life is complex. Welcome to Life. More specifically the story of my life.

We are meant to live in the present but that is not where you’ll find me. If you need me I’ll be in my head dreaming of happier times.

The Fear

This post is about things I have been experiencing lately which seem to be hindering me. Mainly it is my past which keeps me shackled in chains desperately trying to escape the painful memories of the past few months. It doesn’t help that facebook is there to remind me of the evidence, the people and the experiences. Fear is however a massive factor in life which prevents us from doing the things we really want to do, i.e try a new experience, get a job in a completely different country, shop in a certain place due to the bad reputation or even the fear of going on a date/meeting with someone because of what may happen. In life we all face many challenges, but I mostly seem to run away from them giving excuses as to why I can’t or don’t want to do something.

The fear of failure so what’s the point in trying because without trying I can guarantee I won’t fail! But that’s a stupid way of thinking and the truth is everyone fails at something at some point in their life. I keep running away from most things in my life because I am scared. I won’t willing walk into a bad neighbourhood unless I have to because I am scared I’ll be attacked or surrounded by a gang. But this is silly because you can be attacked anywhere! I know this but I am still wary. I won’t work abroad because I will know absolutely no one and I will be completely by myself. But I have already conquered this and it did not end so well. I ended up hating the American camp experience. It is different I suppose if you are working abroad with more freedom in a different environment. I won’t find a job because I am scared I’ll be rejected. This is also silly because if you don’t try you will never know what could have been yours! I won’t go on a date because I am scared it will all go wrong. What can I say I am just a very cautious person. I don’t want to get hurt like my friends. Only a date though right so its harmless? Well I have no idea! I’ve been on 1 or 2 dates before and they’ve never really been successful because either we start a debate and I get angry at the guys answers or the guy just doesn’t call me back.

Last night I had a nightmarish dream where I was on a date with this guy I liked whom I met but hardly know. So we are not really friends as we don’t know much about each other but anyway we are at this cafe just talking and then suddenly he stands up and his accent changes- he starts to talk funny in a different accent which surprises me and then he stands up and moves to the side. I start to lose sight of him and so I lean closer round the corner to look at him and he hugs me. Instantly I feel repelled inside. I want to run because I don’t like this closeness and even though I’m attracted to him I am scared and somehow can’t seem to connect with guys any closer than friends. I wake up and I realise that I am far too scared or maybe I am not ready for this kind of thing whatever it is. But I am 21 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I can go abroad and live alone, I can do so many other things but somehow I can’t seem to get close to people who want to have a relationship with me. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of close friends- most of whom are girls- though a few guy friends.

I am in love with an idea (as are all girls I believe). The idea of falling in love and meeting Prince Charming. The idea of having a blissful relationship but the truth is there is no such thing as Prince Charming and I shouldn’t expect so much from the guy. I see happy couples and people getting engaged and I want that just like anyone out there. I don’t want to be alone. But somehow I hold back- guys ask me out and I say no. I just can’t seem to get over it. I AM TERRIFIED! I am just scared of what life has to offer. But I shouldn’t be and I have no idea why I am scared. This guy well he’s real and he asked to meet up again now that I am back from America. I don’t know what to do. Obviously I will meet up with him, but I am scared because I don’t know what he wants and normally I make it very clear what I am looking for. Maybe it is because I like him so much I want things to work out but at the same time I don’t know what kind of guy he is- I don’t know if he is a player, if he is looking for something serious or casual or whatever. I know what I want I think. But fear always gets in the way. I can easily jump out of a plane no worries. I can go rock climbing and all that and I can risk my life in some dangerous activity but when it comes to dating and all that I just can’t seem to commit. I just can’t seem to go further and I feel repulsed in a way to be touched by someone I hardly know. I know that one little date hardly gives them permission to touch me, but after a while if we become closer then there is reason to.

There’s just too much that time cannot erase. There is so much that holds us back (well holds me back at least). Some people may not understand because I sure don’t understand myself. But then we are complex being and no one is the same. I hope that I can discover what I want in life and I hope I can get rid of these fears because they all sound stupid! But psychology and life experiences sometimes dictate your feelings which in turn dictate the outcome. Life’s not fair. But I will try, but sometimes you just can’t help the fear.

I need a manual for guys. Simple answer: He’s just not that into you.

There should be a book on how to figure out boys- except it’s rather difficult and I am sure it would be a very big book. Most guys would say they need a manual for girls- but we are pretty easy to figure out and if you just listened you would know. But if you ask a guy about their complexity, most of my guys friends would reply back saying this standard answer: “oh us guys are simple creatures! We live very simple lives” Yes off course you do…so that’s not true at all. They may not need a lot to please them, but they do tend to do a lot of stupid things! Beware guys- perhaps you should take some lessons from girls people we are always watching YOU! Girls are always analysing. It’s a very common thing to do among girls, but maybe we do it a little bit too much sometimes which can lead to obsession. That never ends well!

Anyway I recently met up with a guy I met coincidentally at my union though he was not a student nor part of my university. He was a guy who had just had a job interview and was just sitting in a room waiting for the time to pass so that he could catch his train. I happened to stumble along the empty room with only himself there and decided to sit and write some stuff, but then we got chatting. Exchanged details and next thing you know four months later we meet up. Except this time he is very very nervous and apparently useless with all technology. Now it may be because he is 25 and pretty useless with remembering to text/email/facebook, (so many different social mediums there is no escape and no EXCUSE for not being able to contact the other person! I am not going to make excuses for anyone and I am not going to sit here and think about all the possible excuses on his behalf- waste of my time if you ask me. He arrives 25 minutes late and fails to text me to let me know. I am not impressed. Like I said no excuse for that unless someone died. I like it when someone can be straight with me. Most guys are very mysterious or at least try to be because they think it will make them more interesting. Well here’s a tip it WON’T! It just gets too damn annoying after a while and it is difficult to know what someone thinks about you unless you can read minds. If only I had that gift- mind you I could see how it would be a curse rather than a gift. Especially if they were not thinking pretty thoughts. Anyway guys seem to be hot or cold- they have no idea what they want- well most of them don’t and they seem to be pretty useless. But you can’t seem to live without them! I think I would go insane if I lived on a planet with girls only- we would eventually all kill each other! Point is I am not a mind reader and no I do not think you keeping me waiting will cut it. I also do not think you not being able to text back considering the various modes of interactions we have nowadays excuses you from not being able to contact me. So I give up, if you want to be elusive- your call and your loss of a friend!

All I know is that it would be helpful if guys could be straight and just tell me what they think without cowering behind a door. Now this guy offered me help with my CV etc. and asked to meet up again the next week, but when I emailed him about looking over my CV he did not reply to my email or my text and it’s been two weeks. I may look like I am stressing over this, but I am not. I am just simply perplexed as to what guys mean by certain things. Why say something you don’t mean? Why say you will help me, when you have no intention of helping me! It’s just stupid and raises peoples hopes unnecessarily! It’s like one of my friends, her ex told her that she was the first person he said the L word to and actually meant it, but he’d said it to other girlfriends before but never meant it. How do you know he’s actually telling the truth? Well when he turns round and says “when I said that I didn’t mean it!” Reaction: WHAT?? Why say it in the first place?!?! What does that even mean? It just doesn’t make sense to say things and then not follow through with it. But then again I like to follow the logical and some people are illogical.

Anyway just wanted to stress the point that has been argued many times before even in song (Katy Perry “Hot and Cold”). It is true guys are hot and then cold. It’s like they do something and then think. Well next time think before you act because there’s more than one person involved. This applies to friends just as much as to relationships. But you know you could learn a lot from books, films and even music. There is quite a lot of truth there about the actions of others though sometimes over-dramatized. For now all you have to do is watch ‘He’s Just Not Into You’ (2009 movie) and you could gain some interesting insights about people in general! It’s funny actually because one scene near the beginning where the female main character goes on a date with this guy for happy hour in a club and after exchanging numbers he says “See you soon, I’ll call you” before leaving. She smiles and says “ok great”, but then as he walks away she stops him and says “Wait you gave me your number so do I call you or will you call me?” He looks at her confused and rather panicked at this point and distractedly says yes I’ll call you bye as he quickly runs away! It’s the same thing when he said see you soon, it doesn’t actually mean he’ll see her soon! It’s just an expression!

Every person is different so I guess there won’t be a universal helpful manual since they’ll all just contradict each other which will just be too confusing and not even worth the effort! Guess we will just have to accept that men are from mars and women are from venus! 😉