What if? If only life offered a total do-over!

Ever had the inclination to totally redo your life. To take different paths- do things differently. It’s a bit worrying that I have these sentiments at such a young age. It’s also a bit worrying that I am having a mid life crisis and I am not even 45! I’m 21, I’ve finished University just come back from my travels and just a little bit lost! Okay well not a little A LOT! I have no idea in which direction my life is going, no idea where to go and what to do. You could say my life is at a crossroads- do I get off my lazy butt and start trying to looks for jobs and apply or do I continue my lazy life waiting till something hits me over the head and draw me into some amazing new life with a great job and exciting opportunities.

Thinking about it now I had some uber cool opportunities at uni- the choice to do loads of work experience (while I did some there were perks to being a student!), the choice to study abroad- that’s a real disappointment! I would have liked to have done that but then I wouldn’t have discovered rock climbing and met so many cool people through the club- I wouldn’t have been appointed Treasurer of the club and I would have not had the opportunities I had at that time. Alternatively I could have been lying on a beach in Malta or trying to converse in French in Belgium!

Though the “what ifs” stretch a lot farther to school days- what if I had been more prepared and organised the two week work experience to France, what if I actually followed my interests and did what I wanted to do! What do I even actually want to do? I don’t know! I didn’t know then and I don’t know now! I am still as lost as I was four years ago when I decided what course I would be doing! What if I chose different universities, what if I could have done better? So many what ifs, so many thoughts of what my life could have been like. I would be a different person perhaps I am not sure- I’m quite stubborn and not very susceptible to change as a person though I do crave change in life.

I like it when I go somewhere different. I like travelling to different places as well as to the same countries- thats great too but I prefer discovering new things. I like trying different kinds of food. I think I would like change in a job- trying different companies or even trying my hand at different types of jobs. Because the truth is I don’t think I would be satisfied in just one job. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with life- because I crave change and I am sure it is pretty much the same for a lot of people out there. The world is no longer the same place where people would stay in their jobs for 10 or 20 years. Well that’s what I’ve read, so I am just going on what’s being said.

If I could I would take the chance to have a do-over! A repeat of my life it would be so good! But then again thinking about it logically completely redoing things in the past sounds a little boring because let’s face it I have past that point in life. I’ve past the point where I want to go back to studying in school- past the point of just doing work. I don’t think I am past the point of wanting to be a kid because being a child was amazing! I could do what I want- there was this kind of innocence- no responsibilities, no care in the world! Just fun and games, but then again I kind of like some responsibilities. I am a kid at heart and I had a wonderful childhood! I was in no hurry to grow up fast like a lot of kids do nowadays. Today, children are much more mature, much more aware. When I was a child I was not very aware of things- I was carefree and happy! I would love to go back to that innocence! The good old days, but then again my life is at that point where I am at the crossroads.

I’m stuck in limbo not really doing anything, not making a choice, not really living because I am just so bored! Is it possible to be bored with life so soon? Or perhaps I am just bored of the now- I need constant energy and drive to keep myself busy. To stop me from thinking because let’s be honest thinking is a dangerous thing. It can frustrate you and make you nit pick about everything! I think that’s just it! I’ve been thinking too much and it’s time to get busy again. Carry on with life but you can’t just pick up where you left off 4 months ago. Why? because everything is different now and I hate that. I hate the memories that torture me, I hate the life I’ve become where I wake up try to find a job, or go out to visit a friend and then go to bed late. I hate the person who I discovered I really am over my travels. I hate me and that is just not a good thing to discover. Meeting with my friends makes me realise how I never get a word in- I just listen- I don’t talk. But that’s ok I like it when others talk non-stop because it fills the silence. I can’t talk for Britain that’s for sure. But then it makes me think I don’t like who I am anymore.

Everyone is moving on with their life. They are moving forward, getting jobs, going back to university, learning, training, travelling and there is me falling behind unsure what to do. Unsure of myself and my life but craving something to give me that burst of confidence. I just need that hope. That is the problem when people you love die, they leave behind a whole series of unpredictable events which can affect you in the most subtle ways possible. Living in a house with negative and sad energy can definitely affect your mood and the shadow of their life left behind leaves you wanting to run and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes and you don’t feel half as lonely as they did. It’s a race against time to escape my thoughts, my fears and just jump! Like I did out the plane when I went skydiving- one of the best experiences of my life.

Well it’s time for a change! It’s time to make that choice now. Time to make the plunge and hope not to hit nothingness. A total do over is out of the question- no such thing! I can’t let myself keep regretting. It’s time to act, so must go try now! Wish me luck!

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Camp America is not all it lives up to….

I am back from four months of being away and you would think I have learnt a lot and grown up. But I have not. I am still pretty much the same person recalling how I thought I would somehow change over the summer. But then some people are just too stubborn to change and that someone might just be me. It’s not that I don’t like change I don’t mind it unless it is change for the worse in my personality or something.

Anyway I went to work in America for 2.5 months at a camp in upstate New York. They say that not all camps are the same and the experience is different at each one, but I doubt I’ll be doing this again. I came out unfulfilled and not impressed with camp. I thought I would love it and have the most amazing summer of my life, but I just came back sad and extremely tired from all the hours they worked us. We were not really allowed to get ill and clogg up the health centre but that is what happens when you overwork people and treat your staff in such a way. The amount of hours I did would be illegal in the UK and certain things make you appreciate the UK a lot more such as the NHS. Though the infirmary was free, we were dissuaded to go. One day, it was visiting day where the parents come to visit the children they dumped at camp for one month or two months. I worked as an Outdoor Adventure Specialist and had to work in the burning sun (heatwave in the US) for 6 hours straight with 20 minutes for my lunch break. I had to run to get my lunch, scoff it down and rush back so that we could manage the unlimited amount of kids choosing to go on the adventure course. it was a manic day which resulted in us closing 1 hour earlier than planned due to the heat. I convinced the head of Outdoor Adventure that my fellow friend (who also worked on the adventure course with me) was sick but refused to get help. She finally ran to the bathroom to be sick.  While I too ended up with heatstroke as I finally choked on some water and collapsed. It sounds dramatic and in fact it seem dramatic at the time, but it was just fuss made over nothing- I was just too tired.

No one can understand what I experienced- everyone think that camp is amazing because despite the hard work you make friendships for life, you looks after children and discover your life dream. But for the tiny percentage that don’t like camp which includes me- I discovered I hate working with little brats and can’t stand working with children who don’t want to learn but just want to be selfish and do whatever they want.

The social aspect was great meeting new people and adapting and facing new challenges, but we lived in a camp bubble with no privacy, no respect for personal space. I came to camp prepared to give up drinking for 3 months to work with kids, but when I got there I discovered that we were allowed to go to the bar and drink. On our days off, everyone would make out with each other, get stupidly drunk and sleep with people without having a f””””” clue what they were doing. I was told of “goggle eyes”- which is when in the beginning you are not attracted to a person but having to be forced to live with them for 2 months you eventually find them attractive. Well I sure wouldn’t like it if a guy at first thought I was ugly and then after a month found me more attractive because of the limited amount of girls left to hump. Some people are just superficial!

It was not all bad I did have some fun, but I found it insulting that my camp director told us at orientation that we should get to know our fellow staff because who knows it might be the person you’ll end up “making out” with over the summer. I didn’t think a camp could have such crappy and fake values than the ones espoused. The children were spoilt rich children who had no idea what pain and suffering there was in the world. People complained about the food instead of being grateful they were at least being decently fed and had a bed for the night to sleep.

What’s more I underestimated how much I would miss my family and though some people did not. Being away made me realise the importance of looking after my family and treasuring my good friends who actually love me for who I am and who actually want me back. During my travels I discovered that my aunt, my uncle and a family friend had passed away this summer. These events have made me realise that so much can happen in just 4 months and we must not neglect the ones most important to us. We must treasure and make them feel like the most important people in the world so that they don’t have a reason to give up on life. RIP- may you finally be happy and never alone.

Anyway I hated camp and I never want to return. Though I do remember the fond memories of the people I met and of the fun things I did before the children came. I will never forget the bitchiness, the cruel people who would gladly step on others to get to the top. In fact I am pretty sure that is life- the horrible people somehow manage to climb to the top while the soft and quiet get trampled underneath. It’s time to get a voice, but I sure won’t resort to mean ways to get ahead. Its sad because on my travels I met some very nice people who went to different camps and they were very friendly! Much friendlier than those who went to my camp. It’s a shame really but at least it will give me pleasure when the company who helped find my camp ring me up to ask whether I will be going to camp again, I can gladly say a big fat “NO! Never again”. I’m not one for tormenting myself as much as it is all the rage now since Fifty Shades of Grey!

Is that a writer’s block I see?? Comfort food here I come…

It is a difficult time personally as I have a dissertation to write in philosophy so we all know that is mind boggling. Normally when I have trouble writing an essay I know that last minute pressure will motivate me to write it and thoughts seem to flow. But this long essay is due in one month and one week and I have yet to submit a draft which I planned to have finished over a week ago.Things are not going my way and if I continue on this path I won’t even have a draft to submit except the final piece. That spells disaster! But it is also the case which my friend got herself into. Actually it is the case that many of my friends got themselves into and it is an easy hole to fall into. Not a pleasant one to get out off.

Somehow though I cannot seem to focus nor want to complete this dissertation. It requires so much work and working within a word limit has never been my strongest point. To top it off I am frustrated with the interpretations of others commenting on Nietzsche thoughts! For me I do not agree with what most say and I feel that they digress from the original point. Or maybe it is just not relevant to my question. But then my tutor picked them so it seems that maybe I am missing something. If only I had a magic wand that could do all the hard work for me! So I am here instead trying to divert my attentions and write something other than philosophy. Maybe I might even find some bright ideas to make me focus and overcome my writer’s block! Or maybe a source of inspiration will slap me in the face while I’m not looking. Well that’s what I am hoping for, but blinding walking into the future hoping something will hit me is not the best option. Plus it involves waiting and that’s not something I have patience for.

What started off as an extremely interesting topic has now become a confused muddle of words that don’t seem to link. I should take a day out, but then I really don’t have time! I feel like I am going crazy but I know I must complete this soon so that I can work on my other end of year essays and revise for exams and then come back to working on the dissertation. Everyone says I should relax, but I do in a way go out and relax. I can’t say I sleep very well though.  I have so much on my mind, being alone in the night with nothing but silence only makes you wonder and think about what you have to do. Oh and that dreaded race against time. Dangerous thinking indeed.

I can’t wait till all this is over but then there will always be new challenges that will face me. What can you do when you don’t know how to proceed?  When your attention is diverted by everything. Even the tiniest things can distract me. Pascal was right we divert our attentions because we cannot deal with the present. I agree we are always bored which is part of our human condition. Boredom is the condition in which the self feels imprisoned in a certain state which it cannot escape from.  This allows humans to fall into constant unhappiness due to the lack of fulfillment. Is this true? It certainly seems so, though I have argued with others who present contrary views  I cannot say that I believe we reach fulfillment. Why you ask? Because whenever we feel we reach a goal, we feel extremely satisfied, but once conquered we seek to conquer something else. We turn our attentions to something else because how can we focus it on something already fulfilled. Pascal points out that man cannot sit still and be solitary. Well off course that is understandable as we are gregarious creatures. No one likes to be completely alone- at least not for long periods of time. We would go insane! Pascal even says that we fear the truth and thus divert our attentions with our passions etc. such as gambling. Though in modern times we use other means such as films, virtual realities and playing games- anything to divert us from our current state i.e working. At least for me literally anything can distract me.

This is partly what my dissertation is about. Interesting right? I love Pascal and I love this topic but somehow I can’t seem to write about him. Maybe it is the word “Dissertation” or “long essay” that gets me, or maybe it is knowing that I have so much to do that I am “lost in the cosmos” and lost as in where to start. I have to keep trying. I used to wake up with a optimistic mental attitude, but these past few days my optimism has faded and I wake up dreading the day and looking forward to the night so that I can sleep away my worries. I fall asleep late and wake up late. Not a good start, but it is a pattern that has recently developed.

I’ll try and end this on a happy note, though I can’t speak for my mood. I’ll keep preserving and trying, I will not give up- I mean that I will not. I will do my best to overcome this mental block, as hard as it is I need to get this done soon. Time is running out and time is definitely not on my side.  But I hope everyone is having a much more productive and happier Easter! I am off to have a feast of good food! At least that will make me happy!