When the world thinks you’re crazy

It’s been a long time, my old friend. I’ve been busy but that’s not stopped the inner turmoil swirling around in my mind. I thought I had dealt with my problems, I had mild depression in January after a difficult winter. I was trying my best to look at the positives. Writing is the only way I can express myself and I feel like no-one understands that except my best friend. Let me explain. I write about dark themes, sexual assault, abuse, boredom, reality. They’re unpleasant topics, they’re not easy, even for me they are challenging to write, but they are what I want to write about. I’ve tried writing about other things, fantasy, romance, but the topic I always seem to come back to is abuse. I am a generally happy person, I have a loving family and nice friends. I may be a little weird, but I am not crazy. I love philosophy, I like cooking, reading, eating, watching movies and other stuff. I do think about societal problems, body image portrayed in the media, sexism, feminism, labels and other difficult topics. I am aware that abuse comes in many forms and can be carried out by both men and women and that is what I am trying to express in my book.

I am a very sensitive person. Yes, I live alone in a foreign country and contrary to popular belief among family and friends, I am very happy with my life here. But living all alone in another country where English is not the first language has a way of making you view things clearly, it gives one clarity. It’s given me some hard truths I’ve had to face. The more I interact and talk to people, the more I want to hide away and crawl back into a shell. Maybe that’s what I need to do, get away from people for a while.

I don’t appreciate the judgement and constant put downs from my brother. It’s not fair. Why is it okay that some people can write about murder, psychopaths etc. but I am not allowed to write about abuse? Doesn’t mean something is wrong with those people or that they are secret psychopaths. So just like that, just because I want to write about abuse, doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. I’ve experienced it, I want to write about it, I want to raise awareness and write about the challenges. It’s not easy for me to write, but it is what I write. It is what comes naturally to mind.

I wish my family would leave me alone, but I understand why they’re worried.

Feeling sad, empty and hopeless after the end of an anime!

Recently, I’ve been watching a favourite anime of mine, but I try not to watch animes because I know how 1) addictive they are 2) how sad they make me feel once they are over! Most people think anime are a waste of time, but I love them and consider it a chance to learn some Japanese phrases! They are entertaining and I suppose an escape from reality which is always nice. You can come to love them, the characters and really connect with them, but most of all you ask how does it make me sad if they are that good? Well the answer is simple, they are not real! I wish so much that the characters and the story which I fully immerse myself was real- would carry on forever because that won’t get boring at all. Ok so eventually it will get perhaps a bit boring but then it might not if you consider it as similar to an ongoing drama show like Eastenders or Casualty!I don’t think I could ever get bored of Casualty! Eastenders is a different kettle of fish though- I think that can get boring and go through phases!

Now I can’t say that I have felt sad after the end of a manga because for some reason and I suppose it is because the mangas I read pretty much never end so I don’t think I have to deal with it for a long time. What’s more is that if a manga is still ongoing, then the chapters are published every few months in English so you can forget since you have to keep checking months later for the new chapter; so it’s a rather slow process. Slow burning in a way which can enable you to lose interest more easily since your tastes cannot be satisfied till the author publishes the next part and obviously that takes time thus you need distractions and most people do have distractions which keep them occupied till the new release. These distractions are called life, though there are the fair few who cannot be distracted and think about it all the time. I don’t know how those people do it because that would drive me insane! It’s kind of like when tv series end and then return 6 months later. At first you are sad, shocked and your interest has somewhat peaked if they’ve left you on a clifthanger- cruel yet smart if you want to keep your viewers enticed and returning for more! But after a while you forget about the show and move on with life until it comes back on again and you find yourself excited again, yet waiting every week for a new episode can be painful. Unless you’re one of those people who cannot wait till it comes back on TV and instead watches it online.

Back to my point on animes, once the series ends, you are forced to leave that world which you became immersed into- a world which you connected with the characters whom some may have felt represented you to an extent either by the heroine being shy, kind, strong yet naive and innocent- or even wanting to possess qualities which were shown and you admired them. But most of all it is the guys in the animes who have the biggest impact I think because they are the ones who kind of steal your heart. You would laugh, but sometimes in reality I do unconsciously happen to look for guys who look like anime characters. I never noticed this, but my friend did and it took me by surprise when she one day turned me and said “You know that guy kind of looks like the guy from that anime you love!” Oh dear! That’s not good!

Animes tend to present the unreal and the fantasy because they are only stories! But they have such a massive impact and leave a large impression on you (well maybe not you, but me definitely!)- well depending on how much you let them affect you, but if you were heavily involved and your interest in the anime was high then you would inevitably become emotionally involved in a sense. Animes make the real feel crap and the unreal look amazing with their good looking guys/girls, nice lives and perfect happy endings though I will admit they’re not all happy! Most of the ones I watch (Shoujo animes/mangas) are happy endings and it makes for a depressing after thought! Why can’t guys in reality be like the guys presented in the anime? Answer because they are not real!! But I sooo wish they were! I know I should stop chasing the dream, but it can’t hurt to dream right? Well I suppose only if I am dreaming the impossible! This applies partly to books too because you can even become attached to fictional characters in books, so if this is not convincing you, then imagine I am talking about movies/books which present the ‘perfect’ fictional characters! Yes I know there are no perfect men in reality but it is such a shame or not you may try and argue since no-one is perfect!

Truth be told, I couldn’t tell you what I really want because honestly I don’t know what I want and even if I got what I want I am not even sure I’d be satisfied. I suppose that rings true for most people. In this life we will always be searching for something to fulfill us, searching for our purpose, the love of our life, the job of our dreams and even the happy ending we all desire! But for now, we can still dream!

I’ll leave you with an article which I found which is something I couldn’t agree more with! What they say expresses exactly how I feel after watching an anime! It makes for an interesting read!