Sometimes you come to a crossroads in life….

So I am back again to try and understand my life more. Writing helps me think more clearly and set things out. People say that life is complicated and indeed it is, though sometimes it is very simple. Sometimes it is boring and dull. But it goes through periods! Today I met with a crossroads and an expected an important decision must be made. But I cannot as usual seem to make one that I am completely satisfied with. In life you try to make the best and right decision that you think is right at the time. But I don’t want to risk my chances, likewise no one wants to! Everyone wants to make the right decisions. A doctor has to work under pressure and decide all the time. A submarine officer also has to make a decision based on little evidence in a limited amount of time. How do they do it? Well they do it to the best of their abilities. People could very easily make decisions quickly by putting them under high pressure and forcing them to choose, but most people do not like it since it gives them a limited time to rationalise.

Right now though I have come to a crossroads where I too have to make a decision, but luckily I have more time to decide. Some people say that one must follow their gut or heart but my heart doesn’t like to speak much but my gut I normally ignore and end up kicking myself later for ignoring it! I have absolutely no idea where I am going in life and so this makes looking for a job ten times harder than someone who knows what they want! Okay so if you know what you want to be you’re lucky since the hard bit is achieving it, but if you want it you can definitely do it without giving up. But for those who are not as lucky its a tough search to find the right job. I wouldn’t consider myself less lucky because I don’t believe completely in luck! I believe everything happens for a reason and I also believe that you create your own luck. If you don’t try you won’t get. If you don’t work hard it won’t pay.

Today I went for a second stage interview for a sales job and they offered me the job. Problem is? I’ve never done sales but that is not necessarily a bad thing since it is interesting to try it and learn. What is bad you ask? Not getting paid a base salary but working on commission alone! Okay so I get training which is great but its not enough after a week! Its high time I got a proper stable job. Whats more is on my way home from the interview I was also offered the voluntary position I applied for of which charity expenses are paid for. Its not great but its something at least. I need the experience and I need a foot in the door somewhere! At least it is flexible so I can work part time or find another job!

I want to try this Sales day and I want to see how it goes because frankly I’m intrigued! But I don’t want to sign into a contract that is unsuitable for me. So far opinion has been divided! My best friend says sales, my priest says sales and another friend says sales. On the other hand, my mother, brother and family friend say voluntary job for now. Opinion is clearly divided not just among my family but also in my head. Coming away from the interview I was not as ecstatic as one would be! I need a chance but I don’t know what in!

My brother once said to me long time ago which stuck with me: You can’t live your life walking around waiting for something to hit you in the face! You need to go out there. My brother is an engineer so very scientific and into planning whereas I am the philosopher, vague- abstract- uncertain with no plan to follow! We are both very different people! But he is right I cannot walk around and expect something to hit me in the face hoping that it will be the thing I love!

One lesson I have learnt so well after graduating is that I have learnt literally nothing about the real world! That is why so many people are lost after uni! god knows I was! I am not entirely found either but I have found some footing and I am more aware of things! You can learn so much from the world! Life is not as easy as it looks from uni where you pretty much live in a bubble! Many people told me I should enjoy university while it lasted because I will miss it! But truth is I do not miss it at all. Yes it was stable and it was great but that is a chapter of my life which is over and I do not need to go back or feel the need to stay because I want something new. Working may be difficult but I want to try it. There comes a time where you have to move on and this is the time for me. Maybe I won’t say that in a job but I know now and that is one thing I am certain about! I need new experiences! I need to face the world and I need to try. There is so much to see and do and so much more to life than a bubble! I guess I am a true philosopher in the sense that I cannot stand living in ignorance and instead love discovering and questioning. I cannot be contained but must continually search for truth. University is living in ignorance! It is bliss but once the bubble bursts reality sets in. It is hard but it is the path towards truth. The most important thing is to be positive but to be true to yourself. To keep trying and never give up on your dreams. If you want something go for it and if you don’t have a clue what you want (like me) try and find it rather than crawl in a hole and continue meaningless studying! The only way to discover is to throw yourself in the deep end and swim! I know I can do it! I will do it! I just have to make a decision and it doesn’t matter if it is the right one or not!

Life has different paths and no point thinking of the what ifs! 2013 is about no regrets! Maybe I will gain some enlightenment! I sure hope so!

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Change is harder than people think….

“A great writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to.” Tom Bissell- This quote popped up after I published this article and I just had to include it because it was very true for this story of mine. So without further ado here is some of my ugly truth.

So I recently successfully completed a telephone interview and I have an assessment day on Wednesday but I am very scared, but  I don’t really know why. I suppose it is because of the failures of my last interviews and I am afraid of how people perceive me. But the truth is I am trying to find myself and this day is for a job in sales. Everyone says that people should follow their dreams, but this is not my dream and I know in my heart that this job is not the right one for me. I want to run and not take part. I want to ring up and say I am not interested but that is the coward in me who doesn’t want to bother with the effort or the research. I hate presentations and I don’t want to do it so I want to run. But there is always something in me which stops me from quitting- which makes me face the things I hate. Because if I don’t face them I’ll always be scared and run away. If I don’t try I’ll never know. That is the part of me I love and hate at the same time. If I give up now there’s no point because I didn’t even try. Even though I don’t want the job, the experience of the interview is good. But another part of me says what’s the point? I should save myself the humiliation! Well who knows I could meet some very nice people. I could actually learn something. I could stop running from my fears. No I don’t really want this job, but I do want to try and experience things. For me jumping out of a plane or para-sailing is far more exciting, but it is also a lot more dangerous.

That day I answered the call- I didn’t care I just went for it because I knew I had nothing to lose and I didn’t really care. But now, now that I have passed the interview I do care. Or perhaps it is that I care about how I look in front of top business people. I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of them. I don’t want to fail. I just want to get this over and done with but at the same time I want to run in the other direction and not face this day.

Recently I have been fearing the future. I don’t know why but it was my graduation last week and I was not looking forward to the stress, seeing people, the fear of tripping over my heels. But on the day during they ceremony I felt blessed. I felt so happy- going up for my certificate I had no time to be scared because I was happy. This was what I worked 3 years for. All my hard work paid off. So why didn’t I want to face the day? Can you imagine what would have happened if I missed it? I would have missed out on such much! On such a momentous and important day for me. Granted there was a lot of people I didn’t want to see and didn’t want to talk to and I didn’t really talk to them because who says you have to? University is over. All that matters is what you achieved and who you are.

After America over the summer I have not been the same. I thought I hadn’t changed which I disliked because I wished to change- I wanted to be more confident but the truth is I had changed. I had become worse, more fearful, more reserved and quiet! I came to hate myself. Such a shame just as I was coming out of my shell after all the good uni had done! Even after these few months I hated me. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget when people hurt me. I wanted to forget everything. I was ashamed. Why? Because I did not like me. Why did I care so much what people think? I don’t know. When I spoke to someone they said why would you want to change? You’re fine the way you are! Well I think I do need to change some things but I am fine. I’ll take that!

The problem is I let my insecurities rule me and I let fear control me. I hate it and I am trying to change it. I am trying to change me for the better. But it is no easy process. Things happen for a reason. The other day someone asked me what my dream job would be and I thought and in my head I had absolutely no idea! But because I needed an answer I said I would like to have been an author. Truthfully I don’t think I would have! I like writing stories- but for myself and for my friends. Perhaps I would have liked to have been a doctor. No maybe I would have liked to have worked for a charity. I still could- I like helping people so I could work for a charity. Maybe I will try it. It’s not impossible and completely out of my reach unlike medicine where I actually need a medical degree.

Nothing is impossible! I just have to keep telling myself that. I need to change. I need to wake up and be positive. I need to get back to where I began. When I was a baby I had no care in the world and was not affected by any external judgements. So I can’t get back that far. But I can shield myself from criticism. I can choose not to let things affect me. It is hard to change, but I must do it. I must be the change I want to be. But most importantly I must learn to love myself.

At least I know that some people love me, my family, friends and most importantly God. That’s right me and the man upstairs are changing the rules. I will not fail. And if I do that’s ok I’ll just get right back up and start again.

What if? If only life offered a total do-over!

Ever had the inclination to totally redo your life. To take different paths- do things differently. It’s a bit worrying that I have these sentiments at such a young age. It’s also a bit worrying that I am having a mid life crisis and I am not even 45! I’m 21, I’ve finished University just come back from my travels and just a little bit lost! Okay well not a little A LOT! I have no idea in which direction my life is going, no idea where to go and what to do. You could say my life is at a crossroads- do I get off my lazy butt and start trying to looks for jobs and apply or do I continue my lazy life waiting till something hits me over the head and draw me into some amazing new life with a great job and exciting opportunities.

Thinking about it now I had some uber cool opportunities at uni- the choice to do loads of work experience (while I did some there were perks to being a student!), the choice to study abroad- that’s a real disappointment! I would have liked to have done that but then I wouldn’t have discovered rock climbing and met so many cool people through the club- I wouldn’t have been appointed Treasurer of the club and I would have not had the opportunities I had at that time. Alternatively I could have been lying on a beach in Malta or trying to converse in French in Belgium!

Though the “what ifs” stretch a lot farther to school days- what if I had been more prepared and organised the two week work experience to France, what if I actually followed my interests and did what I wanted to do! What do I even actually want to do? I don’t know! I didn’t know then and I don’t know now! I am still as lost as I was four years ago when I decided what course I would be doing! What if I chose different universities, what if I could have done better? So many what ifs, so many thoughts of what my life could have been like. I would be a different person perhaps I am not sure- I’m quite stubborn and not very susceptible to change as a person though I do crave change in life.

I like it when I go somewhere different. I like travelling to different places as well as to the same countries- thats great too but I prefer discovering new things. I like trying different kinds of food. I think I would like change in a job- trying different companies or even trying my hand at different types of jobs. Because the truth is I don’t think I would be satisfied in just one job. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with life- because I crave change and I am sure it is pretty much the same for a lot of people out there. The world is no longer the same place where people would stay in their jobs for 10 or 20 years. Well that’s what I’ve read, so I am just going on what’s being said.

If I could I would take the chance to have a do-over! A repeat of my life it would be so good! But then again thinking about it logically completely redoing things in the past sounds a little boring because let’s face it I have past that point in life. I’ve past the point where I want to go back to studying in school- past the point of just doing work. I don’t think I am past the point of wanting to be a kid because being a child was amazing! I could do what I want- there was this kind of innocence- no responsibilities, no care in the world! Just fun and games, but then again I kind of like some responsibilities. I am a kid at heart and I had a wonderful childhood! I was in no hurry to grow up fast like a lot of kids do nowadays. Today, children are much more mature, much more aware. When I was a child I was not very aware of things- I was carefree and happy! I would love to go back to that innocence! The good old days, but then again my life is at that point where I am at the crossroads.

I’m stuck in limbo not really doing anything, not making a choice, not really living because I am just so bored! Is it possible to be bored with life so soon? Or perhaps I am just bored of the now- I need constant energy and drive to keep myself busy. To stop me from thinking because let’s be honest thinking is a dangerous thing. It can frustrate you and make you nit pick about everything! I think that’s just it! I’ve been thinking too much and it’s time to get busy again. Carry on with life but you can’t just pick up where you left off 4 months ago. Why? because everything is different now and I hate that. I hate the memories that torture me, I hate the life I’ve become where I wake up try to find a job, or go out to visit a friend and then go to bed late. I hate the person who I discovered I really am over my travels. I hate me and that is just not a good thing to discover. Meeting with my friends makes me realise how I never get a word in- I just listen- I don’t talk. But that’s ok I like it when others talk non-stop because it fills the silence. I can’t talk for Britain that’s for sure. But then it makes me think I don’t like who I am anymore.

Everyone is moving on with their life. They are moving forward, getting jobs, going back to university, learning, training, travelling and there is me falling behind unsure what to do. Unsure of myself and my life but craving something to give me that burst of confidence. I just need that hope. That is the problem when people you love die, they leave behind a whole series of unpredictable events which can affect you in the most subtle ways possible. Living in a house with negative and sad energy can definitely affect your mood and the shadow of their life left behind leaves you wanting to run and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes and you don’t feel half as lonely as they did. It’s a race against time to escape my thoughts, my fears and just jump! Like I did out the plane when I went skydiving- one of the best experiences of my life.

Well it’s time for a change! It’s time to make that choice now. Time to make the plunge and hope not to hit nothingness. A total do over is out of the question- no such thing! I can’t let myself keep regretting. It’s time to act, so must go try now! Wish me luck!