Living at home, the truth.

It’s funny a friend asked me about a year ago, why I keep wanting to run off to other countries and I think I’ve finally found the answer.

I didn’t know the answer at that time, but I know now the truth. I want to live abroad because living at home reduces me to a mere child. I don’t have the same freedoms, privacy, life I want. Not to mention living at home is like carrying a bit of shame – I’m 27 and still living at home. Will I be 30 and still at home? When will I grow up and become fully independent? You know what I loved best about living in Japan? It was having that space to myself, the freedom to do whatever I want. I love my parents very much and totally respect them, but I don’t like them sometimes. The little things build up into big things.

My mum can’t book her flight tickets without me there to confirm it. She can’t leave me alone in my own house that I grew up in without my father being home from his holiday. They both can’t let me stay here alone by myself. I’m 27 and I don’t know how I survived alone in Japan in a completely foreign country. Oh wait, I was 24 and I was completely fine. I didn’t die. I didn’t wilt. For 2 years I lived by myself just fine…..why can’t the same be said for living in a house for only 2 weeks without anyone?

Then the next thing is my mannerisms. Apparently I am picking up bad habits or mannerisms from other people of different races/nationalities and therefore I will attract a man who is not right for me. Oh wait so let me add to the list of men I can’t date according to my family. As if I am getting any interest at all, I need to become even more specific.

This leads me onto the universal question of….when are you getting a boyfriend? When are you getting married? Hmmm, not sure that’s in the cards for me. How about never? I don’t ****$&! know! I might not get married, or I might, but do you see me worrying about it? No, I am not worried because I don’t care. Maybe I don’t want children. Maybe my life is not defined by having kids, getting married and buying a house. Maybe I have other interests such as learning a new language, travelling, finding myself, doing what I enjoy.

When will the lectures end? Well they don’t when you live at home….

What time are you coming home? Who are you going with? Shall I make you dinner? As if I can’t cook. I would really like to, but I don’t get to. Wake me up when you get home after a night out. Why would I want to do that and disturb your sleep? So I know you’re home safe and sleep better. Ring the phone and we can collect you from the station at 10/11pm. But I live 3 minutes walk from the station, why do I need to do that? Just do it, it’s not safe. Why don’t men get this? Why do my brothers never get the same attention? Why do they get away with so much?

I cannot take this for much longer. So yes it’s great you save money and you can do less and I know I am so Goddamn lucky but at what cost? Is it worth it? Hmmm, no I think as you get older, it’s not worth it.

Reflection of life

It has been just over a year since I have been back from the lifetime adventure that is Japan. I didn’t expect to spend 2 years of my life living in a rural countryside, but it was the best two years of my life even if it was the most difficult. No-one warns you how hard it is living alone abroad, but my friends, the community and my students made my life out there. I stayed for my students, my kids. I love them so much. But now I am back and I adjusted pretty well back into life in London. But my time in Japan felt like a distant memory, like a dream that never really existed. I feel so disconnected from it, but it was real. I hold on to that. I miss that life; I miss my students the most, I miss the scenery, I miss the beauty of it, I miss the language. I miss it.

I am back in London with a contract in a job I don’t truly care for. I have been dating, but gave up with the fruitlessness of it. I have been enjoying my time in London despite it all, but I am aware, I need a new adventure. Because once you’ve experienced Japan, there is no going back, you have to move forward and experience more, richer, fuller things. So I am waiting. I am 27 and I am getting older. I do not fit in this world anymore that is London. It is easy to get lost in, but I don’t fit in the corporate lifestyle. I don’t think I fit anywhere. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never risked the courage or dared to try. In that sense, I am naive. I feel like I’ve experienced it all except this other world that I refuse to let my heart open to because  fear the worst. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be betrayed. I don’t want to trust someone who will eventually let me down. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to lose my independence. I don’t want to lose me. I don’t want to change. But most of all, I just don’t want someone to crush me, because I know I could give them that power and they could do it. They could crush me into nothing and then I would have to rebuild myself all over again.

It was hard to survive once, but I am sure I could survive it again if it came to it again. So I guess that’s why I don’t mind or I am trying really hard to open myself up to possibilities; to life.

Before I move on, I think it’s time to go back to Japan to say goodbye; to move on and to turn the next page of the chapter. I desperately want to see my students again. I love them so much, it pains me. I think the only way to let go off them is to say goodbye and see the change. So here’s my pact – I am coming back to close this chapter of my life and start the next one. Here’s to my next journey.

The Fear

This post is about things I have been experiencing lately which seem to be hindering me. Mainly it is my past which keeps me shackled in chains desperately trying to escape the painful memories of the past few months. It doesn’t help that facebook is there to remind me of the evidence, the people and the experiences. Fear is however a massive factor in life which prevents us from doing the things we really want to do, i.e try a new experience, get a job in a completely different country, shop in a certain place due to the bad reputation or even the fear of going on a date/meeting with someone because of what may happen. In life we all face many challenges, but I mostly seem to run away from them giving excuses as to why I can’t or don’t want to do something.

The fear of failure so what’s the point in trying because without trying I can guarantee I won’t fail! But that’s a stupid way of thinking and the truth is everyone fails at something at some point in their life. I keep running away from most things in my life because I am scared. I won’t willing walk into a bad neighbourhood unless I have to because I am scared I’ll be attacked or surrounded by a gang. But this is silly because you can be attacked anywhere! I know this but I am still wary. I won’t work abroad because I will know absolutely no one and I will be completely by myself. But I have already conquered this and it did not end so well. I ended up hating the American camp experience. It is different I suppose if you are working abroad with more freedom in a different environment. I won’t find a job because I am scared I’ll be rejected. This is also silly because if you don’t try you will never know what could have been yours! I won’t go on a date because I am scared it will all go wrong. What can I say I am just a very cautious person. I don’t want to get hurt like my friends. Only a date though right so its harmless? Well I have no idea! I’ve been on 1 or 2 dates before and they’ve never really been successful because either we start a debate and I get angry at the guys answers or the guy just doesn’t call me back.

Last night I had a nightmarish dream where I was on a date with this guy I liked whom I met but hardly know. So we are not really friends as we don’t know much about each other but anyway we are at this cafe just talking and then suddenly he stands up and his accent changes- he starts to talk funny in a different accent which surprises me and then he stands up and moves to the side. I start to lose sight of him and so I lean closer round the corner to look at him and he hugs me. Instantly I feel repelled inside. I want to run because I don’t like this closeness and even though I’m attracted to him I am scared and somehow can’t seem to connect with guys any closer than friends. I wake up and I realise that I am far too scared or maybe I am not ready for this kind of thing whatever it is. But I am 21 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I can go abroad and live alone, I can do so many other things but somehow I can’t seem to get close to people who want to have a relationship with me. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of close friends- most of whom are girls- though a few guy friends.

I am in love with an idea (as are all girls I believe). The idea of falling in love and meeting Prince Charming. The idea of having a blissful relationship but the truth is there is no such thing as Prince Charming and I shouldn’t expect so much from the guy. I see happy couples and people getting engaged and I want that just like anyone out there. I don’t want to be alone. But somehow I hold back- guys ask me out and I say no. I just can’t seem to get over it. I AM TERRIFIED! I am just scared of what life has to offer. But I shouldn’t be and I have no idea why I am scared. This guy well he’s real and he asked to meet up again now that I am back from America. I don’t know what to do. Obviously I will meet up with him, but I am scared because I don’t know what he wants and normally I make it very clear what I am looking for. Maybe it is because I like him so much I want things to work out but at the same time I don’t know what kind of guy he is- I don’t know if he is a player, if he is looking for something serious or casual or whatever. I know what I want I think. But fear always gets in the way. I can easily jump out of a plane no worries. I can go rock climbing and all that and I can risk my life in some dangerous activity but when it comes to dating and all that I just can’t seem to commit. I just can’t seem to go further and I feel repulsed in a way to be touched by someone I hardly know. I know that one little date hardly gives them permission to touch me, but after a while if we become closer then there is reason to.

There’s just too much that time cannot erase. There is so much that holds us back (well holds me back at least). Some people may not understand because I sure don’t understand myself. But then we are complex being and no one is the same. I hope that I can discover what I want in life and I hope I can get rid of these fears because they all sound stupid! But psychology and life experiences sometimes dictate your feelings which in turn dictate the outcome. Life’s not fair. But I will try, but sometimes you just can’t help the fear.