Sometimes I sit and wonder, what is the point in some things? What is the point in having some friends? What is the point of this job? I am sitting here getting restless again wondering if it’s time to pack up and leave again. Today I just found out that due to a large restructure within our organisation, my new job will now be changing. So the question remains, do I want to stay? I’m not sure I like the sound of my new job, I am not sure I like being an assistant again. But how do you progress if you are forever changing and running? You can’t progress if you don’t stay in one place and that is one thing I have been refusing to do.
I look at my life in London and I find fault with it. I am not happy. When will I ever be happy? The Lord only knows. Never probably. Maybe I will always be running. Running from what I wonder. Well being back at home, living with the parents is one of the most depressing things that get me down. My parents treat me like a child. I am 27 years old almost 28 and they still insist on walking to the train station to meet me. My house is a 5 minute walk from the station, not far at all. They always ask what time will you be home? Who are you going with? They always worry. It is the most frustrating thing. Stop worrying I want to scream, but it won’t be any use, they can’t stop. I know it is very loving and sweet and I am lucky, but I feel trapped. I feel like my wings have been clipped and I crave my independence, freedom and privacy. They both can’t even go on holiday without leaving me alone despite the fact that I have lived by myself for 2 years in a foreign country. That was the last straw. So tonight I checked my passport, because I may have to make an escape soon before I go officially insane. Everyone has an opinion.
My mum blames herself and thinks something is wrong at home that my brother and I wish to live abroad. Perhaps we aren’t happy? Why can’t they just see that we just want to live independently and travel. Why can’t we just leave? Why is it so difficult? Why must everything be explained as if to a child? This all makes me NOT want to have children. I don’t want my kids to hang on to me forever. I don’t want to get so attached that I can’t let go. I don’t want children. I think I want my freedom more than I want that life.
So do I stay in this job which has been made from a contract role to permanent which I don’t really like? Do I stay in this country where I feel forgotten by friends? Do I stay in this country where I fail at dating and meeting men? What do I stay for? There is nothing to stay for, except the great TV. But perhaps it’s time for a new adventure. I wonder when I will stop running as my friend puts it. As my brother says, I’m getting old now, I need to start making important decisions instead of playing about. Well, let me tell you something. I am not old yet. I am not finished yet. And I will not just settle into this shit life that I am currently leading. I did it once before, so courage don’t desert me now, because I think it’s time to try again.