Reflection of life

It has been just over a year since I have been back from the lifetime adventure that is Japan. I didn’t expect to spend 2 years of my life living in a rural countryside, but it was the best two years of my life even if it was the most difficult. No-one warns you how hard it is living alone abroad, but my friends, the community and my students made my life out there. I stayed for my students, my kids. I love them so much. But now I am back and I adjusted pretty well back into life in London. But my time in Japan felt like a distant memory, like a dream that never really existed. I feel so disconnected from it, but it was real. I hold on to that. I miss that life; I miss my students the most, I miss the scenery, I miss the beauty of it, I miss the language. I miss it.

I am back in London with a contract in a job I don’t truly care for. I have been dating, but gave up with the fruitlessness of it. I have been enjoying my time in London despite it all, but I am aware, I need a new adventure. Because once you’ve experienced Japan, there is no going back, you have to move forward and experience more, richer, fuller things. So I am waiting. I am 27 and I am getting older. I do not fit in this world anymore that is London. It is easy to get lost in, but I don’t fit in the corporate lifestyle. I don’t think I fit anywhere. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never risked the courage or dared to try. In that sense, I am naive. I feel like I’ve experienced it all except this other world that I refuse to let my heart open to because  fear the worst. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be betrayed. I don’t want to trust someone who will eventually let me down. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to lose my independence. I don’t want to lose me. I don’t want to change. But most of all, I just don’t want someone to crush me, because I know I could give them that power and they could do it. They could crush me into nothing and then I would have to rebuild myself all over again.

It was hard to survive once, but I am sure I could survive it again if it came to it again. So I guess that’s why I don’t mind or I am trying really hard to open myself up to possibilities; to life.

Before I move on, I think it’s time to go back to Japan to say goodbye; to move on and to turn the next page of the chapter. I desperately want to see my students again. I love them so much, it pains me. I think the only way to let go off them is to say goodbye and see the change. So here’s my pact – I am coming back to close this chapter of my life and start the next one. Here’s to my next journey.

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