I recently passed my driving test a few months ago. It was a euphoric moment and long overdue. I’ve been learning on and off for 3 years so it was great to finally pass. Passing = freedom. However the bigger test has only just begun; continuing to drive in the big wide world with no one but yourself. I am a person who doesn’t have too many responsibilities but the ones I do have I take very seriously. When it comes to driving however I am especially cautious. I have an irrational fear of fight or flight and I can’t help but wonder at the negative possibilities. Knowing I have life on my hands frightens me – I know imagine how I’d be with kids, I’d be a nervous wreck which is why I recently also made the conscious decision not to have kids ever. I’m young so who knows that may change but I’m stubborn and set in my ways.
Driving is is a huge responsibility and it requires alertness, total control and cautiousness. When I drive with my dad he makes me nervous. He’s so critical always pointing out the negative, it instinctively makes me want to escape and give up. It’s too difficult so why continue? I’m useless so what’s the point? But another part of me is defiant, there’s no point pointing out the fudging obvious, I know what I did wrong. So while we’re arguing in the car, I realise that I need to get a hold of my emotions because now is not the time to flee, it’s the time to remain calm and in control. No one can do this but me, but I can’t help the fear and ice gripping my heart. I can’t help the negativity. This fear is preventing me from relaxing and is fuelling negativity causing me to overthink things. So I took another conscious decision tonight to boot him. I’ve passed so I no longer need him beside me to comfort me and hold my hand, not that he did anyway. I am independent and I need to learn by myself. If I fail, I need to learn and pick myself up and try again. I do it with interviews so why is it so much harder with driving?
It’s because I use a magnifying glass and I worry. I would love to drive on the motorway. It looks free like my heart and spirit. But I’m not completely free am I? I limit myself, psyche myself up and I depend on others. “You haven’t driven on the motorway so you can’t do it. You can’t drive to Cheltenham, you haven’t even driven into Central London.” Why am I listening to these people? Only my brother urges me on. He can see clearly I’m hiding behind other peoples excuses because they out me down. They out those ideas in my head and I let them. I let those ideas develop and fester like a disease and I take them to heart and believe them. It’s clear they don’t have any faith in my driving but it’s not about them is it? It’s about me and as long as I have faith and confidence then that’s all that matters. At the end of the day, I’m in the driving seat steering the wheel. I need confidence to drive even if I don’t feel confident I need to be confident when making those important decisions, such as is it safe and clear before I move out? Am I taking a risk by trying to join the rat race and race ahead? So don’t let the fear control you like it does me. I’m working hard to fight it. I’m trying not to give in to the urge to flee and give up. I won’t. I have to drive. I spent so much money that I need to do this. I can’t give up and let those people win. I have to prove to not only them but myself that I can do this. I may be a new driver, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped learning. I will always be learning and is make this promise I will not let the fear dictate my life anymore. I can do this!