Change is harder than people think….

“A great writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to.” Tom Bissell- This quote popped up after I published this article and I just had to include it because it was very true for this story of mine. So without further ado here is some of my ugly truth.

So I recently successfully completed a telephone interview and I have an assessment day on Wednesday but I am very scared, but  I don’t really know why. I suppose it is because of the failures of my last interviews and I am afraid of how people perceive me. But the truth is I am trying to find myself and this day is for a job in sales. Everyone says that people should follow their dreams, but this is not my dream and I know in my heart that this job is not the right one for me. I want to run and not take part. I want to ring up and say I am not interested but that is the coward in me who doesn’t want to bother with the effort or the research. I hate presentations and I don’t want to do it so I want to run. But there is always something in me which stops me from quitting- which makes me face the things I hate. Because if I don’t face them I’ll always be scared and run away. If I don’t try I’ll never know. That is the part of me I love and hate at the same time. If I give up now there’s no point because I didn’t even try. Even though I don’t want the job, the experience of the interview is good. But another part of me says what’s the point? I should save myself the humiliation! Well who knows I could meet some very nice people. I could actually learn something. I could stop running from my fears. No I don’t really want this job, but I do want to try and experience things. For me jumping out of a plane or para-sailing is far more exciting, but it is also a lot more dangerous.

That day I answered the call- I didn’t care I just went for it because I knew I had nothing to lose and I didn’t really care. But now, now that I have passed the interview I do care. Or perhaps it is that I care about how I look in front of top business people. I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of them. I don’t want to fail. I just want to get this over and done with but at the same time I want to run in the other direction and not face this day.

Recently I have been fearing the future. I don’t know why but it was my graduation last week and I was not looking forward to the stress, seeing people, the fear of tripping over my heels. But on the day during they ceremony I felt blessed. I felt so happy- going up for my certificate I had no time to be scared because I was happy. This was what I worked 3 years for. All my hard work paid off. So why didn’t I want to face the day? Can you imagine what would have happened if I missed it? I would have missed out on such much! On such a momentous and important day for me. Granted there was a lot of people I didn’t want to see and didn’t want to talk to and I didn’t really talk to them because who says you have to? University is over. All that matters is what you achieved and who you are.

After America over the summer I have not been the same. I thought I hadn’t changed which I disliked because I wished to change- I wanted to be more confident but the truth is I had changed. I had become worse, more fearful, more reserved and quiet! I came to hate myself. Such a shame just as I was coming out of my shell after all the good uni had done! Even after these few months I hated me. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget when people hurt me. I wanted to forget everything. I was ashamed. Why? Because I did not like me. Why did I care so much what people think? I don’t know. When I spoke to someone they said why would you want to change? You’re fine the way you are! Well I think I do need to change some things but I am fine. I’ll take that!

The problem is I let my insecurities rule me and I let fear control me. I hate it and I am trying to change it. I am trying to change me for the better. But it is no easy process. Things happen for a reason. The other day someone asked me what my dream job would be and I thought and in my head I had absolutely no idea! But because I needed an answer I said I would like to have been an author. Truthfully I don’t think I would have! I like writing stories- but for myself and for my friends. Perhaps I would have liked to have been a doctor. No maybe I would have liked to have worked for a charity. I still could- I like helping people so I could work for a charity. Maybe I will try it. It’s not impossible and completely out of my reach unlike medicine where I actually need a medical degree.

Nothing is impossible! I just have to keep telling myself that. I need to change. I need to wake up and be positive. I need to get back to where I began. When I was a baby I had no care in the world and was not affected by any external judgements. So I can’t get back that far. But I can shield myself from criticism. I can choose not to let things affect me. It is hard to change, but I must do it. I must be the change I want to be. But most importantly I must learn to love myself.

At least I know that some people love me, my family, friends and most importantly God. That’s right me and the man upstairs are changing the rules. I will not fail. And if I do that’s ok I’ll just get right back up and start again.

Sad at the end of a Manga….sometimes left wanting more!

Right well when I get hooked on something I get obsessed! I lead a very unhealthy life with unhealthy obsessions but I can’t seem to help it! They seem to take me away from my silly boring life and they let me escape! They transport me to a happy world where I can live in the world of the characters and pretend that what is happening to them is happening to me! I read shoujo manga because it makes me happy but also because I like romance! One day I hope to have a powerful and strong romance that will last like it does in so many of the stories and mangas I have read.

I have to admit that at first I always wished that mangas would be in colour because they look better. But now I am used to the black and white and actually I like in black and white! The characters in the manga also are ones that I fall in love with! I swear I actually have crushes on non existent manga characters which is funny because I am in love with these drawings of the guys! Call me weird but it cannot be helped, it can only be confessed! They just look so attractive some of them and I love the way they are drawn. Usually manags make me feel all happy and fuzzy inside! But when they end they make me depressed and dissatisfied with life and people. Not sure why and don’t think it should make me feel like that but I suppose it is because I don’t really have much of a life so I take refuge in these stories and connect with the characters and fall in love with the mean but nice guy. It seems that like reality no one wants a mean guy, but girls always go for the bad guy because they are interesting and we want to know what makes them act the way they do. They have a certain allure and mysteriousness. Whereas nice guys are soo sweet and lovely but somehow are boring. (Well not all nice guys) But somehow I want a nice guy but who is also not too nice that I could easily dominate him. I suppose what I am saying is you want that balance and not one single person being domineering in the relationship. Anyway what am I saying? These are only characters after all!

Anyway the main point of this post is that yesterday I finished reading a manga “Stepping on Roses” and it is the first manga that really made me feel sad that it was over. The other mangas that I have read previously have been very long and some have not even ended yet so I’ve not had the chance to have the feeling, but those that have been short and ended have left me content. This particular manga though was just so powerful in its own way and left an impact on me which I somehow can’t describe how or why it left an impact. Maybe it is because recently I have been feeling pretty crap and unsatisfied with my life that I am left unsatisfied with the ending of the story. Don’t get me wrong I liked the ending and I liked the story very much, the problem is I just didn’t want it to end. In fact it ended too soon! Although there is no point dragging some stories on, this one I just could get lost in. 

If it continued on forever it would become boring because it needs to be exceptional to hold my attention for a long time, though normally this does not usually last. Its really hard to explain but all I can say is I don’t like this empty feeling that I have been left with. Usually I get it with animes, but this time it is a manga that has left me feeling sad! I want to know more- I want to read more but it is over so how can I? I really need to get a proper life! But I can’t stop reading and I can’t stop falling into these traps! Maybe one day things will be different? Only one can hope! But for now I will just have to find another manga to satisfy my manga/anime needs and so forth continue with the endless vicious circle. Anyone recommendations for a romantic shoujo? I am in need of something new!