I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am having a mid life crisis and I am not even in my forties! I am in my twenties! But I feel like a trapped bird- one whose wings have been clipped and it is taking me some time to fly away. Life has me trapped in a sad reality where I just can no longer feel anything but sadness and conflict. Conflicting thoughts as to how I should live my life, how to carry on, how to survive in this world, how to find love and experience it. There is so much a person needs to know when going out exploring, when going out experiencing the world and they say that adversities challenge you and develop you as a person but for the past few days I have been questioning things.
It is not because Valentines day is fast approaching and I am single because I do not care about it one bit. No today I was taking a break from working and decided to relax, but the wicked can never rest, because as soon as I tried, the phone rings with a friend on the other line needing some emotional support after a break up. I am there to help the friends who have broken down, the friends struggling, those whose relationships have failed! It’s all in a days work, but at the same time it is sort of draining, something which sucks the life out of you. No one likes being dumped nor breaking up with their lover, but sometimes in life there are obstacles and difference in views that sometimes it cannot be helped. But I don’t feel like I can be a friend anymore. They say a true friend sticks around through the good, bad and the rough, but somehow I seem to carry a lot of friends who only go through the rough and never really through the happy times. I am not saying that all my friends are draining- this feels terrible saying but it is the truth that I need to face. I am tired of always trying to fight a losing battle. I should not give up I know, but it is so hard yet so easy to just throw in the towel. Friendships shouldn’t have to be this difficult and some of my other friendships aren’t but most of my friendships nowadays I view as a burden! I obviously have let them become too dependent on me and sometimes it is important to say NO.
The thing is this one friend has depression, an eating disorder and a genetic condition she has had since birth which makes her understandably very sad, depressed and moody. She knows this, but I wonder when she will be happy. Once she told me that having a boyfriend makes her happy, but some how I feel sick by the thought, because I like to be independent. Somehow she is so emotionally dependent on a guy but also on me that it makes me want to run! As horrible as it sounds, it is true, I don’t like it when people rely on someone too much, because lets be honest this world is constantly changing and people change too so how can you rely on something so unstable? That’s my outlook anyway!
Truth be told, she blames her failures, personality problems, depression and eating disorder on our old strict Catholic school. I too used to blame my old school for the faults I received, but I realised over time that actually that school made me who I am today, and it is not the school who injured my confidence and trust in people, but the people themselves in the school. I am trying hard to show her that it is not the school she needs to blame but the people in it who shape you. Especially when you are a teenager, you are at such a delicate age where anyone and anything can become your “good”. They have so much power and influence over you that it is the friends you make at school who end up defining you throughout the period. You may disagree with me on this point, but I really do believe that it is the friends you make who are crucial to developing you, because you try to change yourself so that you may be liked. I never followed the crowd so it made it difficult for me, but this particular friend cared what others thought. She was a girl who never wore make up, never cared about the way she looked until the friends in that school made her more self-conscious.
This friend of mine every time I see her we hardly speak about me because lets be honest my life’s far from interesting. I have no life because all I do is work. But all she can talk about are the horrible cards that life deals her which ok is true but life deals a lot of horrible cards to people and somehow some people manage to find the strength and positivity to move on and rise above the pain and struggle. I pity her I do, but I cannot help her anymore, I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. I am not letting go, just stepping back and leaving for a while. I need space and although I already get a lot of space from my friends somehow I feel like friends can suffocate you. And that is what some of them do to me, they suffocate me so much I want to run. No matter what I say or try to do, she can never be satisfied, her negative energies completely consume her and I try to be a positive person that I can no longer take it.
I don’t mind helping my friends and being there for when they are blue, but when you’re friends are in a constant state of sadness, it becomes hard to cope with the negativity. I will always be there for my friends as long as they need me, but sometimes I won’t because I am not superwoman. I don’t really know what a normal friendship is like, but I do know that sitting in an unhealthy one won’t do me any good. So from now on I will try and be less emotional, not like a robot although sometimes I do feel like one! But more optimistic about the rest of my treasures and beautiful friends who get neglected but who mean the world to me. Those are the true friends who I love and just enjoy spending time with, without thinking of it as a chore!