There’s nothing like the feeling of anxiety and uneasiness that develops at the pit of your stomach just before you find out a grade mark. As I open my eyes to view the mark, I am sometimes met by surprise and happiness and other times I am met by disappointment and failure. Although I haven’t failed and the mark is not so bad, it somehow feels like I have whenever I receive a lower grade than expected; while others receive higher grades. Perhaps though I should not be focusing on what others get and more on what I get and how I can improve or where I have stumbled. Though it can be hard sometimes not to get competitive when people openly boast about their grade. It is not so much that they don’t have the right, it’s great to share your happiness with your friends and in a way it is not boasting just happiness and excitement. But I don’t think it is necessary to announce it on facebook so the whole of your friends/peers know, rather best kept between you and your friends though that’s my personal opinion on the matter. I don’t like competitiveness, because although I may not admit it publicly, I am very competitive and can get very sad if my grades are not higher than my peers. It becomes an unhealthy obsession to be the best and always maintain the best grades! This is why I think it is just healthier not to share the knowledge of each others marks because it contributes to the pressure of it all- it puts pressure on you and on the people you are competing with and it can get pretty exhausting! I mean what have you got to prove to them? Who are you trying to impress? Yourself? Your friends? or your peers? When I ask myself those simple questions I realise I am only trying to impress myself and my family to reach my goals and to do the best. So I won’t let others bring me down so easily and I won’t let them make me feel like a failure! It’s just like Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Truth is I have high expectations and it would be nice to get a First class degree but since coming to University I’ve learnt that even if you aim for the best and you don’t reach it, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure!
I do work very hard and I try my best but I am fed up now because I feel like there is more to life than just proving myself intellectually. Sometimes I work very hard and the grades I receive are average, but other times the grades are very good with little effort! Third year is very difficult, but Second year was also difficult because of the transition and extra work. No-one ever tells you that the transition is difficult and hard to get used to, but it is a big jump from first year. Sometimes I feel like I am improving and after a good day I feel like I am moving a step forward and a step closer to that wish. But then there are setbacks which seem to push me two steps back and dampen my optimism. Somehow in a way they motivate me to an extent to try harder and improve, but in other ways which are possibly more unhealthy- they dampen my spirits and make me feel like a failure making my attitude too hard on myself. I really have to work on that attitude, but I am trying! 😉 I suppose there are more pressing matters at hand and there’s no point dwelling on the past mistakes, but rather building on them! But I will keep fighting and striving and hope that everything works out for the best! Never give up, keep going no matter how hard something is, because there is always an expiry date and at least you can say that you tried your best.
So I have set myself the task of looking to the future, to the endless opportunities out there, to the good times and sad times that I am inevitably going to face! I guess life will never always be peachy and perfect, but at least I can always aim high and try my best. Onwards and upwards I suppose as I’d rather take the high road!
Most of all I always say to myself: Always aim high so that when you fall short, you will have still achieved a lot! 🙂