One step forward, two steps back….only way is onwards and upwards!

There’s nothing like the feeling of anxiety and uneasiness that develops at the pit of your stomach just before you find out a grade mark. As I open my eyes to view the mark, I am sometimes met by surprise and happiness and other times I am met by disappointment and failure. Although I haven’t failed and the mark is not so bad, it somehow feels like I have whenever I receive a lower grade than expected; while others receive higher grades. Perhaps though I should not be focusing on what others get and more on what I get and how I can improve or where I have stumbled. Though it can be hard sometimes not to get competitive when people openly boast about their grade. It is not so much that they don’t have the right, it’s great to share your happiness with your friends and in a way it is not boasting just happiness and excitement. But I don’t think it is necessary to announce it on facebook so the whole of your friends/peers know, rather best kept between you and your friends though that’s my personal opinion on the matter. I don’t like competitiveness, because although I may not admit it publicly, I am very competitive and can get very sad if my grades are not higher than my peers. It becomes an unhealthy obsession to be the best and always maintain the best grades! This is why I think it is just healthier not to share the knowledge of each others marks because it contributes to the pressure of it all- it puts pressure on you and on the people you are competing with and it can get pretty exhausting! I mean what have you got to prove to them? Who are you trying to impress? Yourself? Your friends? or your peers? When I ask myself those simple questions I realise I am only trying to impress myself and my family to reach my goals and to do the best. So I won’t let others bring me down so easily and I won’t let them make me feel like a failure! It’s just like Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Truth is I have high expectations and it would be nice to get a First class degree but since coming to University I’ve learnt that even if you aim for the best and you don’t reach it, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure!

I do work very hard and I try my best but I am fed up now because I feel like there is more to life than just proving myself intellectually. Sometimes I work very hard and the grades I receive are average, but other times the grades are very good with little effort! Third year is very difficult, but Second year was also difficult because of the transition and extra work. No-one ever tells you that the transition is difficult and hard to get used to, but it is a big jump from first year. Sometimes I feel like I am improving and after a good day I feel like I am moving a step forward and a step closer to that wish. But then there are setbacks which seem to push me two steps back and dampen my optimism. Somehow in a way they motivate me to an extent to try harder and improve, but in other ways which are possibly more unhealthy- they dampen my spirits and make me feel like a failure making my attitude too hard on myself. I really have to work on that attitude, but I am trying! 😉 I suppose there are more pressing matters at hand and there’s no point dwelling on the past mistakes, but rather building on them! But I will keep fighting and striving and hope that everything works out for the best! Never give up, keep going no matter how hard something is, because there is always an expiry date and at least you can say that you tried your best.

So I have set myself the task of looking to the future, to the endless opportunities out there, to the good times and sad times that I am inevitably going to face! I guess life will never always be peachy and perfect, but at least I can always aim high and try my best. Onwards and upwards I suppose as I’d rather take the high road!

Most of all I always say to myself: Always aim high so that when you fall short, you will have still achieved a lot! 🙂

Feeling sad, empty and hopeless after the end of an anime!

Recently, I’ve been watching a favourite anime of mine, but I try not to watch animes because I know how 1) addictive they are 2) how sad they make me feel once they are over! Most people think anime are a waste of time, but I love them and consider it a chance to learn some Japanese phrases! They are entertaining and I suppose an escape from reality which is always nice. You can come to love them, the characters and really connect with them, but most of all you ask how does it make me sad if they are that good? Well the answer is simple, they are not real! I wish so much that the characters and the story which I fully immerse myself was real- would carry on forever because that won’t get boring at all. Ok so eventually it will get perhaps a bit boring but then it might not if you consider it as similar to an ongoing drama show like Eastenders or Casualty!I don’t think I could ever get bored of Casualty! Eastenders is a different kettle of fish though- I think that can get boring and go through phases!

Now I can’t say that I have felt sad after the end of a manga because for some reason and I suppose it is because the mangas I read pretty much never end so I don’t think I have to deal with it for a long time. What’s more is that if a manga is still ongoing, then the chapters are published every few months in English so you can forget since you have to keep checking months later for the new chapter; so it’s a rather slow process. Slow burning in a way which can enable you to lose interest more easily since your tastes cannot be satisfied till the author publishes the next part and obviously that takes time thus you need distractions and most people do have distractions which keep them occupied till the new release. These distractions are called life, though there are the fair few who cannot be distracted and think about it all the time. I don’t know how those people do it because that would drive me insane! It’s kind of like when tv series end and then return 6 months later. At first you are sad, shocked and your interest has somewhat peaked if they’ve left you on a clifthanger- cruel yet smart if you want to keep your viewers enticed and returning for more! But after a while you forget about the show and move on with life until it comes back on again and you find yourself excited again, yet waiting every week for a new episode can be painful. Unless you’re one of those people who cannot wait till it comes back on TV and instead watches it online.

Back to my point on animes, once the series ends, you are forced to leave that world which you became immersed into- a world which you connected with the characters whom some may have felt represented you to an extent either by the heroine being shy, kind, strong yet naive and innocent- or even wanting to possess qualities which were shown and you admired them. But most of all it is the guys in the animes who have the biggest impact I think because they are the ones who kind of steal your heart. You would laugh, but sometimes in reality I do unconsciously happen to look for guys who look like anime characters. I never noticed this, but my friend did and it took me by surprise when she one day turned me and said “You know that guy kind of looks like the guy from that anime you love!” Oh dear! That’s not good!

Animes tend to present the unreal and the fantasy because they are only stories! But they have such a massive impact and leave a large impression on you (well maybe not you, but me definitely!)- well depending on how much you let them affect you, but if you were heavily involved and your interest in the anime was high then you would inevitably become emotionally involved in a sense. Animes make the real feel crap and the unreal look amazing with their good looking guys/girls, nice lives and perfect happy endings though I will admit they’re not all happy! Most of the ones I watch (Shoujo animes/mangas) are happy endings and it makes for a depressing after thought! Why can’t guys in reality be like the guys presented in the anime? Answer because they are not real!! But I sooo wish they were! I know I should stop chasing the dream, but it can’t hurt to dream right? Well I suppose only if I am dreaming the impossible! This applies partly to books too because you can even become attached to fictional characters in books, so if this is not convincing you, then imagine I am talking about movies/books which present the ‘perfect’ fictional characters! Yes I know there are no perfect men in reality but it is such a shame or not you may try and argue since no-one is perfect!

Truth be told, I couldn’t tell you what I really want because honestly I don’t know what I want and even if I got what I want I am not even sure I’d be satisfied. I suppose that rings true for most people. In this life we will always be searching for something to fulfill us, searching for our purpose, the love of our life, the job of our dreams and even the happy ending we all desire! But for now, we can still dream!

I’ll leave you with an article which I found which is something I couldn’t agree more with! What they say expresses exactly how I feel after watching an anime! It makes for an interesting read!

Sometimes it’s best to let go before you drown

I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am having a mid life crisis and I am not even in my forties! I am in my twenties! But I feel like a trapped bird- one whose wings have been clipped and it is taking me some time to fly away. Life has me trapped in a sad reality where I just can no longer feel anything but sadness and conflict. Conflicting thoughts as to how I should live my life, how to carry on, how to survive in this world, how to find love and experience it. There is so much a person needs to know when going out exploring, when going out experiencing the world and they say that adversities challenge you and develop you as a person but for the past few days I have been questioning things.

It is not because Valentines day is fast approaching and I am single because I do not care about it one bit. No today I was taking a break from working and decided to relax, but the wicked can never rest, because as soon as I tried, the phone rings with a friend on the other line needing some emotional support after a break up. I am there to help the friends who have broken down, the friends struggling, those whose relationships have failed! It’s all in a days work, but at the same time it is sort of draining, something which sucks the life out of you. No one likes being dumped nor breaking up with their lover, but sometimes in life there are obstacles and difference in views that sometimes it cannot be helped. But I don’t feel like I can be a friend anymore. They say a true friend sticks around through the good, bad and the rough, but somehow I seem to carry a lot of friends who only go through the rough and never really through the happy times. I am not saying that all my friends are draining- this feels terrible saying but it is the truth that I need to face. I am tired of always trying to fight a losing battle. I should not give up I know, but it is so hard yet so easy to just throw in the towel. Friendships shouldn’t have to be this difficult and some of my other friendships aren’t but most of my friendships nowadays I view as a burden! I obviously have let them become too dependent on me and sometimes it is important to say NO.

The thing is this one friend has depression, an eating disorder and a genetic condition she has had since birth which makes her understandably very sad, depressed and moody. She knows this, but I wonder when she will be happy. Once she told me that having a boyfriend makes her happy, but some how I feel sick by the thought, because I like to be independent. Somehow she is so emotionally dependent on a guy but also on me that it makes me want to run! As horrible as it sounds, it is true, I don’t like it when people rely on someone too much, because lets be honest this world is constantly changing and people change too so how can you rely on something so unstable? That’s my outlook anyway!

Truth be told, she blames her failures, personality problems, depression and eating disorder on our old strict Catholic school. I too used to blame my old school for the faults I received, but I realised over time that actually that school made me who I am today, and it is not the school who injured my confidence and trust in people, but the people themselves in the school. I am trying hard to show her that it is not the school she needs to blame but the people in it who shape you. Especially when you are a teenager, you are at such a delicate age where anyone and anything can become your “good”. They have so much power and influence over you that it is the friends you make at school who end up defining you throughout the period. You may disagree with me on this point, but I really do believe that it is the friends you make who are crucial to developing you, because you try to change yourself so that you may be liked. I never followed the crowd so it made it difficult for me, but this particular friend cared what others thought. She was a girl who never wore make up, never cared about the way she looked until the friends in that school made her more self-conscious.

This friend of mine every time I see her we hardly speak about me because lets be honest my life’s far from interesting. I have no life because all I do is work. But all she can talk about are the horrible cards that life deals her which ok is true but life deals a lot of horrible cards to people and somehow some people manage to find the strength and positivity to move on and rise above the pain and struggle. I pity her I do, but I cannot help her anymore, I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. I am not letting go, just stepping back and leaving for a while. I need space and although I already get a lot of space from my friends somehow I feel like friends can suffocate you. And that is what some of them do to me, they suffocate me so much I want to run. No matter what I say or try to do, she can never be satisfied, her negative energies completely consume her and I try to be a positive person that I can no longer take it.

I don’t mind helping my friends and being there for when they are blue, but when you’re friends are in a constant state of sadness, it becomes hard to cope with the negativity. I will always be there for my friends as long as they need me, but sometimes I won’t because I am not superwoman. I don’t really know what a normal friendship is like, but I do know that sitting in an unhealthy one won’t do me any good. So from now on I will try and be less emotional, not like a robot although sometimes I do feel like one! But more optimistic about the rest of my treasures and beautiful friends who get neglected but who mean the world to me. Those are the true friends who I love and just enjoy spending time with, without thinking of it as a chore!

And so a new journey begins…

So life is complicated…but so are online blogs. I am not old, just a bit new to all this.  So let me start off by first welcoming you to my wonderful and sometimes complicated life! Well actually I welcome you to the world I perceive through my eyes which is actually very different to how others see it. (Isn’t it always you say!)

Interestingly I have always wanted to know what it is like to experience the world in someone else’s shoes, but as you know, one cannot really have the opportunity. Unless I was to switch bodies with someone else, but then in a way I would still be viewing the world through “my eyes” just perceived by the outside world as a different person. I always wanted to experience people’s thoughts shall we say- to know what do people think about? I was indeed a strange child who contemplated “interesting” subjects and experienced many different unusual experiences but I won’t bore you with the details, at least not yet.

Everyone has a story. Most people would argue that not everyone’s story is interesting, but I would disagree.  Life is interesting….(yes understatement of the year!)  You could find out a lot about someone in one blog, but also know nothing.

So let the games begins….